If two women are fighting, put them in the bathroom. Women get along very well in bathrooms
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Hold me like a guy holds a fish in his tinder pics, baby
One day ISIS is going to screw up and accidentally hit ‘add your location’ to a tweet.
🤣😂
I watched her squeeze into the booth, finish 3 Egg McMuffins, & stand-up.
“My knees are killing me, it must be the cold weather,” she said.
*bangs gavel*
wife: who???
I tried to cover myself in plastic wrap as a sexy surprise, but we were out and this aluminum foil is getting itchy…
[SEXTING]
ME: tell me what you likeHER: I really get off on exhibitionism
ME: OK, cool, weird that museums turn you on but cool
This woman named Amanda who lives above me burns her dinner nearly every night and it makes my apt smell like a fire pit so I’ve been calling her Burnie Manders behind her back to make myself feel better about it
Whenever I’m feeling stressed I like to take a deep breath & think about every mistake I have ever made.
According to this frozen pizza box I’m a family of 4
I would like to be a zombie because when someone asked me if I had a boyfriend I could just eat them.
Denial: No-one can stop me getting pictures of Spider-Man
Anger: You’re fired if you don’t get me pictures of Spider-Man
Bargaining: $100 for pictures of Spider-Man
Depression: Why can’t I get pictures of Spider-Man?
Acceptance: There are no pictures of Spider-Man
Boss asked if I was ready for more responsibility. I’m eating around a sticker on an apple cause I’m too lazy to peel it off so I guess no.
I can’t afford a security system so I’ve just stopped greasing the hinges on my doors
Dating is collecting information about someone until you realize you don’t like them
[me complaining about how many apps on my phone are purple] like I really gotta look before I press it ya know
[guy 911 told me to keep talking to till the paramedics arrive] definitely annoying
1985: “I hope we’ll have flying cars in the future!”
2017: “I just used the flashlight on my cell phone to look for spiders under my bed.”
[Horsemen tryouts]
APOCALYPSE: I like u guys but I only need 4
*Death, War, Famine, Conquest & Steve look at each other*
STEVE: dang it
If a man put his empty deodorant under his wife’s pillow in the morning a new stick will appear on the bathroom counter.
[Chasing a dog on my bike]
Me *breathlessly* how is he reaching the pedals?!
What idiot called it hoarding, and not Stock Home Syndrome?
Hey little kid throwing a tantrum at the store cuz your mom won’t buy you that “sugary” cereal, I buy my kids that sugary cereal.
Because you know I’m all about that data, ‘bout that data. No trouble. I’m all about that data, ‘bout that data. No trouble.
I love travelling because I love to check if I have my passport every 3-4 minutes 🥰
I have a disorder where every time I leave my house I spend $100
Witches were never burned in the South because it led to too many arguments over BBQ techniques.
Kids be quick to tell YOU when you need something from the grocery but call THEM from the grocery and have ‘em check for you and they act like they don’t know what sausage is
Just failed a captcha test. Hell of a way to discover you’re a robot
My pants embarrassed me in front of a chick again. How many times must I tell them that it’s rude to point???
#FF @funTweeters. They’re the crazies, I tell ya! #humor