If u ask me to baby sit 3 and at d end of d day can find only 1, dat is not a reflection on me as a babysitter.i was nevr gud at maths
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I constantly see other people’s jobs they’re doing or have done and think “psshhh, I could do that better” like artists, photographers, dog walker, giraffe masseuse, water boy at a bath house, monkey tickler, Seth Greens personal high fiver, Doctor of Thuganomix.
I bring my own pen into the bank because I don’t need any god dammed chains telling me where I can and cannot write
I can’t wait to jump on my kids’ beds at 5am on Mother’s Day, and holler “WHAT DID YOU GET ME?!?”
Son: What’s this spell? *waves finger wildly in the air*
Me: I’m not sure, bud.
Son: PAY ATTENTION! *aggressively waves finger wildly in the air*
Me: Ummmm, truck?
Son: Were you even looking? Try again. *pointedly waves finger wildly in the air*[repeat ad infinitum]
Just sold my homing pigeons on Ebay…
…for the 22nd time.
Me: there there. No need for ugly crying
Him: I’m not crying
“So hell isn’t too bad,” I say from the podium. “I just keep teaching?”
“Actually…” said a demon
“Actually…” said another
“ACTUALLY…”
Monday: *exists*
Me: I didn’t agree to any of this.
“lassie i don’t see anyone at the bottom of this well. are you sure-” timmy felt the paws on his back. his eyes widened as he understood…
When is it appropriate to double text someone?
I want my mom to buy some Scooby Doo gummies and she isn’t responding
Me: The kids haven’t eaten their sandwiches
Wife: ok just throw them out[Later]
Me *helping the kids pack a suitcase* look I’m as surprised as you are
money is tight this year. everybody is getting a macaroni necklace for christmas
Some people around here retweet like it’s coming out of their booze allowance.
First date idea: we list fictional characters that we would both punch in the face
Just saw I am Legend for the first time and found it completely implausible when there was no reference to any toilet paper shortage.
Her : I like you
Me : You’re mistaken
“Last call for flight 254”
[Runs to gate]
“You barely made it”
[out of breath] This isnt my flight. I just wanted to tell you I’m a vegan
People who tuck their shirts into sweatpants…are you okay?
I’ve never tried cracking a safe but I did open the fridge door once without waking my dog.
Public restrooms are weird. The guy in the stall next to me has four feet and is wearing heels on one pair.
reading a book about blimps and every other sentence is like “unfortunately there was a 10 mph crosswind and the blimp exploded”
Just said “shitted feet” instead of fitted sheet in front of my my son and four of his friends.
If you need me, I’ll be in the closet
Me: I’m sad my favorite beef jerky has been making my stomach hurt.
Husband: Maybe you shouldn’t eat the whole bag.
Me: No one asked you.
Old video games: “Quick! Kill a bunch of dudes!”
New video games: “Quick! Kill a bunch of dudes… but also, take some time to appreciate how emotionally complex it is to be a parent!”
Imagine a squirrel making a nest at your window and being able to watch them sleep and grow 🥺
When attempting to make a good first impression imagine how important good grammar is. Wrong. Importanter.
Financial Tip: When laundering money, always separate the bills from the coins and use the delicate cycle with a gentle detergent.
“can i talk to you real fast?” no you can talk to me in a normal cadence or not at all
I hate when people use words without knowing the meaning…gives me a huge hysterectomy on the side of my head.
Dads have to rest their eyes in the living room cause they see all the injustice in the world.