if u die of a potassium induced stroke cuz you ate too much fruit, bitch that’s called a bananeurysm
You Might Also Like
Why did Shrek use the song “I’m a Believer” and not “It Must Have Been Love (But It’s Ogre Now).”
Step aside coffee, this is a job for alcohol.
Anyone who says time flies, has obviously never been on a treadmill.
“it’s my expert opinion we need to remove all your bones”
wait you’re not my doctor
*a bunch of dogs fall out of the lab coat and run away*
I normally have a decent sense of direction but when I leave the exam room at a doctor’s office and have to find my way to the exit I’m suddenly Harry Potter in the Hedge Maze
I’ve never been kidnapped and tortured but I have been forced to go to the store before Christmas and gotten stuck behind someone buying 25 gift cards.
Do cannibals just upload a bunch of pictures of their friends on Instagram?
hey can you guys give me an honest review of my cover letter?
Dear hiring manager,
PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE
Me (a pediatrician): *hands your baby a disassembled carburetor* Let’s test his motor skills
Apparently, “I’m not circumventing your authority, I’m just trying to get around it”, was not the answer HR was looking for.
When you just stick the tip in and then move it around and around.
– Hand held pencil sharpener
The bag of chocolate macaroons I bought are not resealable. I’m taking this as an indicator that it is 1 serving
Her: Do we have any chicken stock?
Me: I’m not sure what that has to do with soup, but I’ll call my broker on Monday.
[looking disappointed at the playboy mansion]
i was told there’d be bunnies
My husband sent me a text that said…I love you, but have something gross to tell you. I can tell it’s going to be terribly romantic.
[bedroom]
Me getting out whipped cream: I’ve been waiting for this
Gf: kinky, I like it
Me already eating pie: what
My wife acts like she wants to have sex, but then we don’t. I googled it, it’s called cuddling.
If there was a game show where people have to find a phone charger before their phone dies I would win the million dollars
This nice guy next to me on the flight just offered to switch seats so I could sit next to my family.
“Oh they paid extra to have someone sit in between us so they don’t have to be near me.”
I’m pretty sure he didn’t realize it was a joke, and the flight is really tense now.
I want to make fun of kanye but I’m always losing my shit on the internet too.
It feels mighty hypocritical.
*Being murdered in bed*
Me: CAN YOU JUST TRY NOT TO DISARRANGE THE THROW PILLOWS??
Not Wordle. Just a cactus.
⬜️⬜️🟩⬜️⬜️
🟩⬜️🟩⬜️⬜️
🟩🟩🟩⬜️🟩
⬜️⬜️🟩🟩🟩
⬜️⬜️🟩⬜️⬜️
⬜️⬜️🟩⬜️⬜️
Remembering that period of time when everyone was hella into parkour, fell onto concrete once, and never tried again.
“haha! silly rabbit! trix are for-” *rabbit puts a gun to the kids head* who are they for billy. tell me again who they’re for
One of my biggest fears is that before I die, spiders will evolve the ability to coordinate their legs and run like horses.
I’ve seen people tear a phone book in half with their bare hands & I just had to use scissors to open a bagged salad.
I think my cleaning people are stealing my paranoia medication.
I caught two kids smoking pot outside my office. Fifteen minutes later my boss caught me and two kids smoking pot outside my office.
I don’t like when they use “late” to describe a deceased person. It’s like give a guy a break on his attendance, he’s dead.
911: whats your emergency Me: Come quick, my son has swallowed a condom*Click 911: whats your emergency Me: It’s ok, found another one.