if u ever feel insecure just remember that there is at least one couple where your name is a sensitive topic. kinda sexy of you to be that important
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#WhenCopyEditorsWorkDrunk …
I go back to work tomorrow, ending my 91 day weekend.
So I recently learned that that plastic thing you pull off the top of the Pringles can can be put back on so it’s like you never opened it.
Still not sure why you would need this though.
Everyone knew it was Superman behind those glasses, they just didn’t have the heart to tell him
Me: Tie me up? That’s kinky
My Kidnapper: You’ve made this awkward now
I always roll out of bed. Not even morning can trick me into doing a sit-up
Well if you cant buy babys at Babys R Us what in the world do they sell?
Everyone else at the table can order a margarita at 10a.m., but I ask for a cup of queso with a straw, and suddenly I’m the one with the problem.
I like to wait to board the plane so the person seated next to me thinks they’ll have extra space and then I come in right before the door closes and ruin their lives
*after 12 tequila shots*
Left eye – It’s PARTY TIME!!
Right eye – I’m beat, I’m going to lie down in the corner
*Starts new job*
Co-worker: Hello
Me: How much was yo first check? 🧐😂
Glen, the spatula: *giggling* ok ok shhhh watch this
Me: *trying to open the drawer* what the-*ᴄʜᴜɴᴋ* dammit-*ᴄʜᴜɴᴋ*
The other Utensils: *going nuts* GLEN! GLEN! GLEN! GLEN!
*at the end of a 3 day weekend*
Me: I will miss the kids when they go back to school tomorrow, I wish we had more time
The universe: here is a snow delay
Me: no, not like that
I could never be a map maker. Not because I think it’s hard, I just don’t know how tf to spell meditarainian.
[watching burglar tear apart the house] lmao ur not even close
You can take the girl out of the food court, but not this girl. I’m staying.
*6 missed calls*
*5 missed facetime*
*8 unread messages*
For some reason I’m an extremely secretive
person. Don’t ask me why
*loses faith in humanity*
“this is the type of problem that can only be solved by 13 photos of unlikely animal friendships”
If I ever visit Japan, the first thing I’ll do is run through those paper walls pretending I’m the Kool-Aid man.
Enjoy this video of ducks changing their minds
“This certificate shows i named a star after you.”
“Thank you, I also got you nothing.”
all of my toiletries are chosen based on clearance sales, “Oh, you’re a Irish Spring man” no I’m a 3 for $5 man
dinosaur: how’d you die
human: stupid
PROFESSORR: So, Attilla’s rise had a lot of unintended consequences.
ME: *Raises hand*
PROFESSOR: Yes, Andrew?
ME: Hunintended.
PROFESSOR:
ME:
PROFESSOR: Thank you, Andrew.
Before I die I want to be chased through the back of a Chinese restaurant.
As everyone was arguing about politics, no one saw me leave with the pecan pie.
Pot smokers like to say it’s safe because it’s natural. Other safe natural things include sunburn, poison ivy, and being eaten by a bear.
Gordon Ramsay walks into my basement. YOU CALL THIS METH? I WOULDN’T LET MY DOG SMOKE THIS. *smashes beakers* YOU DONKEY *massive explosion*
Wait – if the planet is spinning faster, maybe I *didn’t* gain weight. Maybe there’s more gravity.