If u havin girl problems i feel bad for u son
jery had 73 girlfriends throughout seinfelds run
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Mac & cheese implies the existence of PC & cheese
Me googling: why do chickens get to run around with no head but humans don’t?
Google response: Why Am I Single Quiz – Take This Quiz To Find Out
So excited! I’m taking an online grammar class. No more typos for me.
Nolege is power biches!
*Shaking Magic 8 Ball*
“Will I ever not feel tired again?”
*Magic 8 Ball erupts in hysterical laughter*
Me: why aren’t you studying?
My kid: I didn’t see you coming.
[on a date]
him: I hope you’re a Game of Thrones fan.
me: *stabs him with a sword then sleeps with his brother*
Espresso Patronum!
– Me warding off morning people
[First date]
Me: “So, what do you do?”
Date: “I’m a librarian.”
Me: “Oh, my bad.”
*Whispers for the entire rest of the date*
Sorry but if these walls could talk I’m pretty sure they’d talk about wall things and not whatever scandal you’re blowing out of proportion.
[looks into a mirror]
Well. That can’t be right.
I agree noisy knees. I SHOULD stay on the couch
“Can I go play w/ my Twitter friends?”
Wife: “Are the kids in bed & the dishwasher emptied?”
“…Yes”
*wife opens cabinet, kids fall out*
I bumped into a VERY handsome man on the tube platform and now we’re on the train together and i can’t wait to steal furtive glances at him until I get to my stop and do absolutely nothing more about it
Didn’t have internet on my phone for the past few hours. Finally graduated, got married, lost some weight, read 15 books and showered.
Kids today will tell you how they hate tomatoes while eating chips and salsa.
“Please stop that.” -person who witnessed first guy beatboxing
i would like to meet the marketing/branding team that goes to work every morning, satisfied that this is the logo that represents their business
How long after eating do I have to wait to drown someone?
[sprays air freshener so my date can’t tell i just took a shit]
uber driver: what was that
I love going places just to spend the entire time taking my kids to the bathroom
*security rushes to the department store fitting room to break up a fight but just finds me trying to squeeze into a pair of jeans.
I have to go stand in line at Gamestop now because I had a careless night of unprotected sex 13 years ago and Halo 5 is out today.
my favorite part about fruit is when I run it under water for 3 seconds to convince myself it’s no longer covered in carcinogenic pesticides
My toxic trait is drinking a giant cup of water and then getting on an hour and a half conference call
DATE: you smell so nice – what are you wearing?
ME: Febreeze
Welcome to parenthood. Have you ever wondered what it would be like if a day was 3267 hours long?
Dear god, please let me have sex at least as often as adobe or java needs an update. Everyday.
If you have slept with someone who sounds like Darth Vader breathing, you understand why it’s so great to sleep alone.