@BitchyJasmine

‘If u insinuate that I’m fat again, I’m leaving you!’ ‘Don’t be selfish, think about the baby.’ ‘What baby?’ ‘Oh, so you’re not pregnant?’

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@lejessica

They say treat others how you would like to be treated.

Now I have to go out on a date with a guy and treat him like a princess.

@joejwest

ME: You’ve put on weight
DRACULA: No I haven’t. Prove it
ME: When you fly, how many bats do you turn into?
DRACULA: [deep sigh] A shitload

@FU_TangClan

Me: my wife says I never pay attention

Wife: I said alimony, but add attention to the list

@WheelTod

In medieval times, infant mortality was so high that parents would often avoid posting pregnancy pics on Facebook until the 3rd trimester.

@lovstructionist

Pilot [over intercom]: This is your captain speaking, since you are here for 14 hours anyway, here is the first season of my podcast.

@CrazyExhaustion

Went to a public park and my 4yo was like, “Is this Disney World?!”

The answer is yes and I’ll cut anyone who tells her differently.

@xLiserx

Superman hides his identity w/ glasses & a side part. I wear a quilt w/ eye holes & it’s still “Lisa, you’ve been banned from this Wendy’s”.

@FunnyBison

I had a near-death experience. I panicked and asked god what flavour cream soda was. God didn’t know either.