“Creation science” has the same intellectual heft as “dragon anatomy”.
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*crawls into windowless creeper van*
One kidnapping, please.
If your girlfriend says “my pyramid is late…”
Know two things:
1. Your hearing is poor
2. That’s not your biggest problem right now
god’s mom: clean your room or i’m throwing away those toys
god: moooom, they’re not toys. they’re dinosaurs!
earth is the only habitable planet in the solar system. wow. feeling very lucky that it’s the one i was born on
Bartender: What can I get you?
Me: Sex, beards, rock & roll?
Bartender:
Me: Sparkling vampire crazy about me?
Bartender:
Me: Beer.
I guess what I’m trying to say is that 4 glasses of wine makes it exponentially more difficult to get out of the bathtub.
This might not be true but we have house centipedes so I was looking up how to get rid of them and ppl were like don’t, they’re apex predators so they’ll eat all the other bugs, then the other centipedes and eventually you’ll be left with just one extremely powerful centipede
Waiter: Would you like regular or decaf?
Me: Do you want me to tip you with real money or Monopoly money?
ON THE INTERNET : Ughh.. I hate people so much..
APPLYING FOR JOB : I love working with people and I am very sociable
I need Apple to develop a slurred speech to text feature.
[batteries in my TV remote die for the first time since I bought it 4 years ago]
“Useless piece of shit.”
I miss my public school gang. We all had leather jackets and rode our bmx’s around town looking for other gangs to fight before it got dark out.
Most of the time we ended up just getting more friends from it.
Teens today stuck inside all day long playing video games.
In my day, we spent all day outside smoking hash oil & cigarettes with friends.
One of the dumbest things I ever heard was a friend of mine asking for advice about his wife being pissed at him for a week straight. She’d been trying to spice up their love life and asked him what he liked that she didn’t know about and he said Asian girls lmfao
The human body is 75% water so we’re, basically, just lettuce with anxiety.
I hope the zombies start with people that talk to me when I’m obviously counting.
Son: Dad, I’d like you to meet my girlfriend
Me: That’s a raccoon
Son:
Me: *tearing up* I’m so proud of you
I did nothing wrong—I tried to do nothing and did it wrong.
The neighbor heard me talking to myself so I had to pretend to be on the phone.. again
Attorney: identity theft is a serious crime
John Jacob Jingleheimerschmidt: i will explain once more
I walked up to my 9yo and said, “How goes it?” He looks up at me and says, “God is history’s greatest serial killer.”
I’ll host Thanksgiving if I can wear a bejeweled pantsuit and throw a wine glass at a painting while saying, “Goddammit, Daniel, nobody cares about your novel.”
What is it about the human condition that makes us crumple up plastic bags and stick them in a bigger plastic bag and then stick that plastic bag under the sink never to be seen or heard from again
EXPLORER 1: *looking at ancient symbols in pyramid* It says “Here lies updog”
EXPLORER 2: What’s updog?
EGYPTIAN SPIRITS: Lol
Probably one of the hardest things for Pinocchio to pull off was complimenting his friend’s experimental theater piece.
My spouse must be the most patient person in the world because he waits for me to come home from my 12-hour workday and cook and serve dinner every single day and only complains most days
Someone forgot to tell my body that calories after midnight don’t count
Wifey: We should get a chest freezer.
Me: We don’t need a freezer that big.
Wifey: What if we need to hide bodies?
Me: I love you.
Aquaman has to wait a half hour after eating before going on land.
betcha they beat the robot dinosaurs by transforming into an asteroid.