@50FirstTates

if u see a BEAR in the woods PLAY DEAD. it will be good PRACTICE for when u are ACTUALLY dead in a few SECONDS

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@SnizzleFrizzle

My moral compass must run on solar power, because it never seems to work after dark.

@RS3Feed

I like to go to death metal shows and throw throat lozenges on the stage, it shows I care.

@smint

Hey wanna take the elevator with me and discuss what day of the week it feels like? And then we can go over what day it actually is, deal?

@OakHill_

911: How can I help you?
Me: MY HAND IS STUCK IN THIS PRINGLES CAN… I’M PANICKING
911: Let go of the chip Sir
Me: oh, ok….all good now

@existential_d

[guy who’s about to invent the cauldron]

*holding a saucepan* i wish this was spooky

@evanR39

You can catch a lot of flies with honey, but you can catch more honeys by being fly.

@suecorvette

me: I feel your pain

french baker: ma’am, pls stop touching the bread

@better_off_dad

*At demonstration

*grabs megaphone – stands on car

‘DOES ANYONE HAVE AN iPHONE CHARGER?’

@TheGoatTaco

My girl stayed true and my dog didn’t die, I’m sober

~no country song ever.

@killerdollrik

I attend weddings purely to be fortunate enough to hear those two little words that always bring tears to my eyes – “open bar”