if u see a BEAR in the woods PLAY DEAD. it will be good PRACTICE for when u are ACTUALLY dead in a few SECONDS
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How much longer until we can get pets that are also wifi hotspots?
I miss trying to seem sober to a bartender and just way overdoing it like “Excuse me good sire, may I please inquire as to the whereabouts of your bathing rooms?”
Apparently, you can only say “Look at you! You got so big!” to kids.
Old girlfriends tend to get offended.
Who knew?
“It’s fine with me if Mom says ok”
– the original two-step verification
there are five seasons: reese’s pumpkin season, reese’s christmas tree season, reese’s heart season, reese’s egg season, and the long loneliness
[before date]
friend: you’re a good guy. just let her know that
[date]
her: so tell me about y-
me: I’M GOOD BOY NICE AND KIND
Stopped on the highway.
Officer: Any drugs? Alcohol?
Me: No thanks, I got everything.
Before I got a phone I used to just stare at my right hand all day
How many instruments do you have to be terrible at before you start playing the triangle?
When faced with a dilemma, I just whisper softly to myself
” What would Homer Simpson do?”
If each day is a gift, I’d like to discuss the return policy.
Parenting is hard, which is why no one is gonna judge you for what you’ve got in that Yeti mug at the soccer game.
True dat! 😂😂😂😂
women love to see the veins in a man’s arm. it shows he runs on blood, and not something more sinister
“We like the idea, we do. We’re just afraid it’s going to keep the viewer awake.” – Sundance Channel execs
Son: Can you make a deposit into my prison commissary account?
Me: Stop calling your school lunch account the prison commissary.
women who kind of look like Kate Middleton with the right pair of sunglasses on have the opportunity to do the funniest thing possible
Star Wars films are like my wives – we don’t talk about the first 3
Dickens: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times
Schrödinger: Nice, nice
funny how dumbass pet animals will eat the same thing every day without realizing that Subway® offers over 19 different ways to Eat Fresh™
me: I had some friends over for dinner, but they didn’t like the tacos I made
him: oh no, did you overreact-
me: no, I just threw them out
him: oh
me: then I ate the tacos
him:
Her: Sorry I’m late. I just had the most horrific experience.
Me: Oh No! Did Dorothy’s house fall on you again?
Me: do you like my new hairstyle?
17: oh – did you do that on purpose?
Let’s do something we both know we’ll regret in the morning. Let’s order KFC for dinner.
My husband said something about me reminds him of Jennifer Lawrence
I don’t know what he wants from me but whatever it is he’s going to get it
Taking pity on my neighbors and finally getting motorized blinds on my windows… they’ve suffered enough.
My 5yo was kind enough let me know that breakfast was gross but she liked the texture
WAITER: Would you like some more bread?
SWORD SWALLOWER: No, but could you get me another butter knife please.
doctor: you need a knee replacement
me: great i would like slinkies
To All The Boys I’ve Loved Before They Decided I’m A “Good Friend”