My moral compass must run on solar power, because it never seems to work after dark.
if u see a BEAR in the woods PLAY DEAD. it will be good PRACTICE for when u are ACTUALLY dead in a few SECONDS
You Might Also Like
I like to go to death metal shows and throw throat lozenges on the stage, it shows I care.
Hey wanna take the elevator with me and discuss what day of the week it feels like? And then we can go over what day it actually is, deal?
911: How can I help you?
Me: MY HAND IS STUCK IN THIS PRINGLES CAN… I’M PANICKING
911: Let go of the chip Sir
Me: oh, ok….all good now
[guy who’s about to invent the cauldron]
*holding a saucepan* i wish this was spooky
You can catch a lot of flies with honey, but you can catch more honeys by being fly.
me: I feel your pain
french baker: ma’am, pls stop touching the bread
*grabs megaphone – stands on car
‘DOES ANYONE HAVE AN iPHONE CHARGER?’
My girl stayed true and my dog didn’t die, I’m sober
~no country song ever.
I attend weddings purely to be fortunate enough to hear those two little words that always bring tears to my eyes – “open bar”