Regular gangs give you a nickname
Rich people gangs give you a Nicholas Name
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A model citizen is just like a regular citizen that doesn’t eat.
[Creation]
God: “Give them hair up their nose”
Angel: “Hair? But why?”
God: “To catch their snot”
Angel: “Snot?”
At the bank and the teller asked the guy in front of me “how are you doing” and he took a deep breath and said “not great my cat f****ng hates me”
So it’s my turn and I go “that was the weirdest thing I’ve heard waiting in line here” and the teller says “I’ve met his cat. She does hate him.”
What is happening?
I just saw Beauty and the Beast and now all I want to do is live with a water buffalo and talk to my furniture
My soul is possessed by fried chicken.
When you’re bad at swearing but you’re trying to threaten someone:
“Stop pointing at my daughter!” – Kanye West yells at a compass.
[Whole Foods]
Woman: MY COCONUT WATER BROKE!
*I drive her to the hospital and she names her first coconut after me*
In my village the coming of age test is this: your mother abandons you in a grocery store. If you maintain your humanity and survive on groceries you will be a great leader. If you let yourself be raised as a grocery you will become the grocery shaman and do great grocery magic.
Her: Sure! I’d love to go out with you
Me: Noice.
Her: I just remembered I’m busy that day.
Newsflash KIDS: The woman who paid for the fries gets to “steal” as many as she wants.
Double cheeseburgers don’t make you fat, eating them does.
The most unbelievable thing about Die Hard is that the office Christmas Party is happening on Christmas Eve.
ENGLAND: people are CROSSING OUR BORDERS for ECONOMIC ADVANCEMENT!!!
THE ENTIRE GODDAMNED WORLD FROM LIKE 1583 to 1997: u don’t say
me[holding wife’s shirt] Can this go in the dryer?
wife:What does it say on the tag?
me:Gap
wife:The other tag
me:Oh
wife
me:Made in Vietnam
China spy balloon:
“We’re trying to contact you about your car’s extended warranty.”
I used to tell a joke about Lot’s wife. Looking back, it wasn’t a great idea.
[High School Reunion]
Me: Those were the days, right?
Mrs. Miller: You left out Thursday that time.
Throw away mascara that is empty???? no no no why would I do that? instead I keep them all in my makeup bag and give myself a little game of “which one of these 10 identical tubes is full?” it’s very fun and ruins every single one of my mornings
My circadian rhythm is a cat lost in a corn maze.
*the doctor leans in & whispers to the baby that was born minutes ago*
your parents are expecting you to keep their turbulent relationship in tact. good luck
WebMD is a Choose Your Own Adventure book where every single story ends in malignant cancer
HOT SINGLE MUMS IN YOUR AREA ARE LOOKING FOR YOU!
Oh god I hope it’s not another bake sale
Online dating is like having your option to date anyone inside of a Walmart
If you burned CDs for the car so your original copies wouldn’t get scratched, it’s time to schedule your colonoscopy.
Ever accidentally turn off your alarm instead of hitting the snooze button and wake up two days later?
ME: Who’s a good boy?
MY DOG: What have you heard?
Gemini: I pretty much know everything
Cancer: so how are u feeling right now
Gemini: not that
Husband: I emptied the dishwasher.
Me: Great work, honey! Maybe you could try it again when it’s clean.