@ManInTheHoody

if u think men are tougher than women then u don’t realize that every day women all over are taking showers with the water temperature set to exploding sun and actually enjoying it

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@TheGladStork

Wife: why are you smiling?

[realizing if Blue from Blue’s Clues and Clifford had puppies they’d be purple]

Me: I was thinking about you.

@StashTheTash

Real person: Do you have Twitter? I’ll follow you! Me: Nope, sorry. Don’t have a phone or a computer. Or a microwave. Hard times and all..

@SortaSarcastic

What am I doing with the rest of my life?

I don’t even know what I’m doing with the rest of this tweet…

@Ideal_Victoria

My boyfriend just texted me, “We need to talk.” I think he’s going to propose!

@EJGomez

son: why is my name jesus
dad: mom wanted to name u after a rolemodel
other son: &me?
dad: well Charizard the same reason but it was my turn

@Daniel_Sugarman

Son: “Dad, why is my sister called Gareth Southgate?”

Me: “Well, when you & your sister were born, we decided your sister would be named for something your Mum loved & you’d be named for something I loved.”

Son: “Ah ok. Thanks Dad.”

Me: “You’re welcome, Also Gareth Southgate.”

@chrissyteigen

I don’t like charging my phone on the plane because a large part of me feels like I am sucking energy and power from the engine

@dafloydsta

[bedtime]

SON: Can you leave the light on?

ME: So it’ll be easier for the monsters to find you?

SON: What?

ME: What?

@anbrll00

I got a Ouija board tattooed on my back to trick ghosts into giving me massages.

@scot7a

BATMAN: *struggling to escape from chains*
RIDDLER: Not so fast, Caped Crusader! You have to solve my riddle first! *sneaking a look at his son’s math textbook* If one train leaves Pittsburgh at 8am traveling at 65mph…