@heidiknits Just had a 9 minute argument with The Boy over why he needs to change his underwear this morning.
Don’t forget your birth control, friends.
@ManInTheHoody if u think men are tougher than women then u don’t realize that every day women all over are taking showers with the water temperature set to exploding sun and actually enjoying it
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@heidiknits 
@LeahKnauer I slept with this guy who works at Netflix, which was pretty cool because afterwards he recommended other guys I may also like sleeping with.
@MeepisMurder in 2nd grade we had to draw what we wanted to be when we grew up and i just drew myself with sunglasses on
@Juicedballs My wife dared me to yell out “HURRY UP HAYDEN” at Disney World. Now we have 27 blonde boys & 8 girls following us like Children of the Corn.
@KolbyEatWorld Any 2 white guys could walk up to me and say “we’re The Chainsmokers” and I’d believe them.
@kumailn Guys who are enemies of Putin seem to have the worst luck.
@noahapaul an update
@Danny_McH2O I’m so old, I remember when a hashtag was called a pound sign.
And before that, we used to play Tic-Tac-Toe on that shit.
@sucittaM Tell the guy at the first drive-thru window that you want the guy at the second window to throw your food into the car without you stopping.
@EJGomez kanye west: beyoncé is the best there is & she’s one of the few true artists of our generation
me:
kanye:
me: how did u get in my room again