Just had a 9 minute argument with The Boy over why he needs to change his underwear this morning.
Don’t forget your birth control, friends.
if u think men are tougher than women then u don’t realize that every day women all over are taking showers with the water temperature set to exploding sun and actually enjoying it
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I slept with this guy who works at Netflix, which was pretty cool because afterwards he recommended other guys I may also like sleeping with.
in 2nd grade we had to draw what we wanted to be when we grew up and i just drew myself with sunglasses on
My wife dared me to yell out “HURRY UP HAYDEN” at Disney World. Now we have 27 blonde boys & 8 girls following us like Children of the Corn.
Any 2 white guys could walk up to me and say “we’re The Chainsmokers” and I’d believe them.
Guys who are enemies of Putin seem to have the worst luck.
I’m so old, I remember when a hashtag was called a pound sign.
And before that, we used to play Tic-Tac-Toe on that shit.
Tell the guy at the first drive-thru window that you want the guy at the second window to throw your food into the car without you stopping.
kanye west: beyoncé is the best there is & she’s one of the few true artists of our generation
me: how did u get in my room again