@ManInTheHoody

if u think men are tougher than women then u don’t realize that every day women all over are taking showers with the water temperature set to exploding sun and actually enjoying it

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@KimMonte10

Cheerleaders are there to tell you that your team needs to score more points & the name of your team in case you forget at any given moment

@AngelaEhh

OMG you guys. I just got asked out. By a real live guy. I don’t know what to do!? Play dead? Duck and roll?

I’m so confused!!

@KevinFarzad

Whenever u feel like ur not being productive, take a nap. You’ll wake up groggy & angry & have forgotten abt the whole “productivity” thing

@Petote

BF went to text me “almost there”
It came out “almost dead”
So hungover, I wrote back “thank god”
And now he arrived and things are awkward

@Chucklehouse1

‘I found something in my hair earlier and had no idea what it was’.

Facebook: *gets an invite to an organic shampoo party

Twitter: Did you taste it?

@Kateness8

If I’m at your house and you’ve got a grocery list on the fridge, I’m adding stuff to it and not telling you

@simoncholland

I love my kids but sometimes I wish the school bus would pick them up at 4:30 p.m. on Sunday.

@WheelTod

[Lounging in hot tub]

Paul the Plum: “I’m starting to shrivel up like a…”

Pete the Prune: “Oh just say it, Paul. Like a what?!”

@HomeProbably

I wish I had the confidence in humanity that Guinness had when they bought a 9,000 year lease.

@philyuck

The Molotov cocktail is of course named after Vitaly Molotov, an 18th century Russian industrialist who exploded after being thrown at a car