Wear a sombrero to the next wedding you’re invited too. Long after they’re divorced they’ll talk about the guy in the sombrero.
if u think men are tougher than women then u don’t realize that every day women all over are taking showers with the water temperature set to exploding sun and actually enjoying it
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ME: Hey buddy, your dog left a little ‘present’ on my lawn
ME: *points to tiny, nicely wrapped gift* Thank him for me, willya?
“Alexander’s not so Great” – younger brother, Steve the Ok
Stay through the end of Hansel & Gretel to see Nick Fury kick Jeremy Renner out of The Avengers.
Oh, you’re an American? Yeah, right.
Name 5 disastrous foreign policy decisions.
Laughed so hard tears ran down my leg.
[on the sixth question in two minutes]
4: what does “not” mean
me: I think you’re going to have to ask Alexa these questions.
4: but i’m trying to keep you busy.
The glittery vampire from Twilight is putting out an album.
In other news, real musicians continue to play for coins in the subway.
Claustrophobia is the fear of closed spaces…
For example, I’m going to the liquor store and I’m scared that it may be closed…
Shout out to the ampersand for always being willing to stand in the gap & help make our tweets complete by giving back those extra two lette