@Bob_Janke
Wear a sombrero to the next wedding you’re invited too. Long after they’re divorced they’ll talk about the guy in the sombrero.
@ManInTheHoody
if u think men are tougher than women then u don’t realize that every day women all over are taking showers with the water temperature set to exploding sun and actually enjoying it
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@Bob_Janke
@Mister_Veritas
ME: Hey buddy, your dog left a little ‘present’ on my lawn
GUY: Huh?
ME: *points to tiny, nicely wrapped gift* Thank him for me, willya?
@Adam14
“Alexander’s not so Great” – younger brother, Steve the Ok
@GerryDuggan
Stay through the end of Hansel & Gretel to see Nick Fury kick Jeremy Renner out of The Avengers.
@geekysteven
Oh, you’re an American? Yeah, right.
Name 5 disastrous foreign policy decisions.
@ImTheSheriff
Laughed so hard tears ran down my leg.
@notmythirdrodeo
[on the sixth question in two minutes]
4: what does “not” mean
me: I think you’re going to have to ask Alexa these questions.
4: but i’m trying to keep you busy.
@eTHEgoddess
The glittery vampire from Twilight is putting out an album.
In other news, real musicians continue to play for coins in the subway.
@TeejayRush
Claustrophobia is the fear of closed spaces…
For example, I’m going to the liquor store and I’m scared that it may be closed…
@sass_n_ass
Shout out to the ampersand for always being willing to stand in the gap & help make our tweets complete by giving back those extra two lette