@ManInTheHoody

if u think men are tougher than women then u don’t realize that every day women all over are taking showers with the water temperature set to exploding sun and actually enjoying it

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@heidiknits

Just had a 9 minute argument with The Boy over why he needs to change his underwear this morning.

Don’t forget your birth control, friends.

@LeahKnauer

I slept with this guy who works at Netflix, which was pretty cool because afterwards he recommended other guys I may also like sleeping with.

@MeepisMurder

in 2nd grade we had to draw what we wanted to be when we grew up and i just drew myself with sunglasses on

@Juicedballs

My wife dared me to yell out “HURRY UP HAYDEN” at Disney World. Now we have 27 blonde boys & 8 girls following us like Children of the Corn.

@KolbyEatWorld

Any 2 white guys could walk up to me and say “we’re The Chainsmokers” and I’d believe them.

@kumailn

Guys who are enemies of Putin seem to have the worst luck.

@Danny_McH2O

I’m so old, I remember when a hashtag was called a pound sign.

And before that, we used to play Tic-Tac-Toe on that shit.

@sucittaM

Tell the guy at the first drive-thru window that you want the guy at the second window to throw your food into the car without you stopping.

@EJGomez

kanye west: beyoncé is the best there is & she’s one of the few true artists of our generation
me:
kanye:
me: how did u get in my room again