Wife: why are you smiling?
[realizing if Blue from Blue’s Clues and Clifford had puppies they’d be purple]
Me: I was thinking about you.
if u think men are tougher than women then u don’t realize that every day women all over are taking showers with the water temperature set to exploding sun and actually enjoying it
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Real person: Do you have Twitter? I’ll follow you! Me: Nope, sorry. Don’t have a phone or a computer. Or a microwave. Hard times and all..
What am I doing with the rest of my life?
I don’t even know what I’m doing with the rest of this tweet…
My boyfriend just texted me, “We need to talk.” I think he’s going to propose!
son: why is my name jesus
dad: mom wanted to name u after a rolemodel
other son: &me?
dad: well Charizard the same reason but it was my turn
Son: “Dad, why is my sister called Gareth Southgate?”
Me: “Well, when you & your sister were born, we decided your sister would be named for something your Mum loved & you’d be named for something I loved.”
Son: “Ah ok. Thanks Dad.”
Me: “You’re welcome, Also Gareth Southgate.”
I don’t like charging my phone on the plane because a large part of me feels like I am sucking energy and power from the engine
SON: Can you leave the light on?
ME: So it’ll be easier for the monsters to find you?
I got a Ouija board tattooed on my back to trick ghosts into giving me massages.
BATMAN: *struggling to escape from chains*
RIDDLER: Not so fast, Caped Crusader! You have to solve my riddle first! *sneaking a look at his son’s math textbook* If one train leaves Pittsburgh at 8am traveling at 65mph…