if u think ur house is haunted get a cat. whooshing sound? it’s the cat. hear footsteps? def the cat. unseen being devouring your soul? cat.
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Went on a date and the guy asked me my blood type. That’s normal right?
*Puts lock box on kidneys*
Hugh Jackman implies the existence of a small ackman
My husband just made me watch a documentary about pizza while I can’t get pizza delivered and this is why the divorce rate is going to be so high after this shit
DATE: I want someone that brings me fancy gifts
ME, A CROW: [revealing a shiny bottle cap I found] m’lady
If you really wanna honor the spirit of 2017, instead of kissing someone at midnight, push them off a bridge
So I have one coworker who uses “irregardless” and another who uses “unappropriate” and now I’m over trying to conversate with these people.
Why he land on that little girl like that☠️
DIVING INSTRUCTOR: Does anyone know how to defend a shark attack?
ME: I would say the shark was just acting on instinct & couldn’t help it
I hate how everything is organic now. I miss chemicals.
CONGRATULATIONS
It has been
2̶4̶ 0 days
since you last stepped in cat puke.
[someone breaks into my house] excuse me, we take our shoes off in this house
#SignsAGuyDoesntLikeYou he takes a long time to reply to your letters and blames it on the “prison mail system”
[Trying to impress a cute girl with glasses]
HER: So what kind of car do you drive?
ME: A bookmobile.
Alex: A ship that has sunk
What is my relationship?
Alex: No sorry tha-
[glares at wife] I’ll take YOU RUINED MY LIFE KAREN for $800 Alex
$175 an hour, $175 an hour…
– my therapist’s notes
If wrestling is “fake” then explain this
The first workout after vacation week reminds you of how many cheeseburgers you had while on vacation
Thanks, autocorrect. Now all my friends think I’m inviting them over for a Halloween-themed Texas Chainsaw Massage
My 5 y/o: ugh, all we have is cereal for breakfast
[Next morning, after I make pancakes]
My 5 y/o: I’ll have cereal
Protip: Never take your wife with you to your annual checkup. She will tell the doctor way too much about you.
My dad gets drunk and sends me this picture at least 3 nights a week
Me: Forgive me father I have sinned
Priest: Get out of my house
M: But it’s a big sin
P: *sigh* Speak child
M: I broke into your house
*after sex, in a British accent
“Please sir, may I have some more?”
The upstairs neighbors had a lovers spat this morning.
All I know is next time he better clean out the lint trap before he puts anymore clothes in the dryer.
Have you ever woken up from a nap to find everyone at Chili’s staring at you?
Every morning I have to check my shoes for scorpions. We don’t have scorpions in Illinois people just hate me.
I laughed at Yoda for hiding in a swamp
Then again, he’s the only Jedi to ever die from old age
Maybe he knew what he was doing after all.
“Dad, I cant sleep.”
Dad: [enters chugging a Monster] SLEEP IS DEAD. GET A JOB.
“Dad Im seven-”
Dad: SO WERE THE DWARVES BUT THEY HAD JOBS.
The awkward part of having the 10 Commandments displayed in US courthouses is realizing that 8 of them are pretty much legal here.
Dating someone that actually likes you is wild. Like, what do you mean this person wants me around? And tries to get to know me? And asks what my blood type is? Or if I have both kidneys? Or if I wanna fly out & meet them alone in an abandoned hospital? It’s nice to feel wanted.