If u think ur parents did nothing for you, remember Jackie Shrof named his son Tiger and Bappi Da named his son Bappa. Respect your parents
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A smart Halloween costume would be an angel costume because if you died, you could just sneak your way into heaven & be like “I’m back yall”
Had great idea for site for recent law grads called BarelyLegal .com. Turns out name was already taken. And their idea was much better.
Me: Mirror, mirror, on the wall, who’s the …
Mirror: Comb your hair.
Where have you been all my life? Please go back there.
No, of course I’m not mad.
It’s fine.
*goes home, starts building a Death Star.
If I ever become rich, you know where all my money is going?
To the bank
🙂🙃🥹
My 8yo nephew who has never seen a CD player before just asked if the eject button was for his seat in my car and in this very moment I wish it was
The look of utter betrayal on my son’s face when he gets up past his bedtime & sees me eating cereal & watching cartoons is priceless.
What we need is more companies making hot sauce. I need 900 more ways to taste a thing that tastes exactly like all the other ones.
6: Daddy, when did the first Thanksgiving happen?
Me: Great question! The first Thanksgiving dinner was 400 years ago–
6: –Oh, were you there?!
Me:
A funny thing to do would be to text random numbers with “I got the live bees you sent, they’ll do nicely”
I hate that feeling after surgery when you’re not sure if you’re awake or asleep or if you operated on the right patient.
My boss called me lazy and said I had poor communication skills… I almost responded
going to work so embarrassing, letting everybody know you need money
LADIES, imagine this.
It’s 15 years from now. Your son is playing pee-wee football. Your husband has been working with him all summer. Your little girl is cheering on her big brother at the fence. The coach benches him and puts in a golden retriever.
Did you know that you can buy fake teeth online and just glue them to whatever the hell you want?
Me: This “Fear the Walking Dead” show is really creepy.
Wife: This is the Video Music Awards.
[lava kids playing in a volcano]
“the floor is linoleum!”
Me: I bet I totally got like 10,000 steps in today.
My mother: you lost your car in the parking garage didn’t you?
Me: WHY CAN’T YOU EVER JUST BE HAPPY FOR ME?!
*sees cute guy approaching*
Me: *whispers to self* Don’t be weird… don’t be weird…
Him: Hey.
Me: *wombat noises*
Pig: will we be friends forever?
Winnie the bear: no
Pig: friends until we die?
Winnie the bear: friends until I learn how to make sausages
People who like country: “I get it people don’t like country you can put whatever you want on”
People who don’t like country: “I swear if you put country on I will jump out of this moving vehicle run to the closest body of water and drown myself”
If you end calls with telemarketers by saying “OK love you bye,” they put you on their Do Not Call list.
Me: I’m going to bed after this episode.
Netflix: Hahahahahaha! Sure. Ok.
*job interview*
“Where do you see yourself in five years?”
“Mirrors, puddles of water. Basically anything with a reflective surface.”
Well, the mechanic called. Apparently, in addition to a muffler, my car also needs a new car.
The human body can do all these cool restorative things, but don’t you dare swallow a drop of water incorrectly, because it may decide to just end you right there.
Me: Well, today sucked.
Him: It’s 9 AM.