if u told me 20yrs ago that we’d have a black prez w/ the middle name Hussein, I’d have kept playing w/ my ninja turtles cuz I was 9 in 1993
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I deliberately mispronounce ‘quinoa’ and then adjust the server’s tip according to how condescending they are when they correct me.
I smelled alcohol and got all excited then realized it was only hand sanitizer.
actually this email could’ve been a meeting. we could’ve spent an hour on the clock talking shit and gossiping. someone could’ve brought bagels
Homophobia isnt much about fear, true, but I wish it was more like Arachnaphobia(I heard that every year in your sleep you swallow 7 gays)
babe are you okay??? you’ve barely touched your chromatica limited edition curry
“Accountant jokes are funny but don’t really apply to me…”
~All accountants
ME: No idea why I can’t sleep right now
FOUR EMPTY CUPS OF COFFEE: uhhh—
ME: [avoiding eye contact] No idea at all
Flowers die, my love, so instead I shall give you a bouquet of Keith Richards.
I always eat the whole pizza cause I don’t like to half love anything.
Being a parent of 1 kid: I don’t know who I trust to babysit my child.
Being a parent of 2 feral toddlers: [summons Bloody Mary]
Giraffes were invented in 1780 when three horses accidentally swallowed a ladder
When I say I’m tired, the “of people” is silent
one of my students brought back his report card today signed “MOMMY” 😭
OH. COME. ON.
ME: I’m so nervous. It’s my first day on the job. I definitely fibbed on my qualifications to get this job. Hope I can figure it out before I mess up.
CO-PILOT: …What?
If I tell you I will do anything for you, don’t get too excited, because I will also do anything for a slice of pizza.
I talk a lot of shit for someone whose immune system interprets my ear piercings as a threat.
Facebook: Hey remember this pic of your dog that died?
Me: Damnit Facebook not now.
FB: Sorry…
FB: Your ex girlfriend is getting married.
I forgot my cell phone at home and had to write my grocery list on paper. I shopped with it in my hand like some kind of a carrier pigeon.
DAD: mommy and I are just having a little fight
KID: are you…gonna get a divorce?
DAD: damn, that thought never occurred to me. That’s a good idea
Wife: I think my husband is spying on me.
Friend: You’re probably overreacting.
Me: *dressed as a bartender* Can I get you ladies a drink?
me: sorry i couldn’t stay longer
friend: no that was long enough
I can’t figure out if this is my 2 year old daughter’s dress or one of my wife’s shirts. One of them is a slut though. That’s for sure.
Just once I’d like to see 25 tiny cars come out of a clown.
Had to try this trend 😊
SATAN: welcome to hell
ME: thanks
SATAN: it says here that you were sent down by heaven for *squints at piece of paper* updog. What’s updog?
ME: JUST OWNING THE PRINCE OF DORKNESS WHAT’S UP WITH YOU
*jesus appears and high fives me*
Protip: When your kid interrupts your next Zoom meeting just say “Oh, thats just the intern”.
we did it you guys we saved daylight
Imagine being a medium and having to talk to dead people as well as living people. That’s too many people.
I don’t want your pity sandwiches. I mean I’m still gonna eat them and enjoy them. But I don’t want them.