If u wanna be happy the rest of ur life
Never make a prairie falcon ur wife
They need a moderate altitude
To catch burrowing owls for food
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Nothing shocks you quite like finding out your friend’s younger sibling is an adult with a job and family and is not 12 years old anymore.
It’s so weird that AI applications keep getting forced on us even though they barely work. It’s like if when potato chips hit the market, every bag was half full of pencil shavings.
Summertime: Fill up my hydration backpack with water.
Wintertime: Fill up my hydration backpack with piping hot tomato soup.
*watching videos of people cooking in public bathrooms*
The CDC should absolutely have a prison
🎶 Hey there Delilah… a thousand miles seems pretty far but they’ve got planes and trains and cars 🎶
Guy That Just Waked 500 Miles and 500 More: they have what
Mobile app developers: great, now all we need is something for them to do in between the adverts.
no, YOU’RE holding a fresh loaf of bread like a newborn baby
Lawyer: where were you last Thursday night?
Me: I was hanging out with all of my friends
Lawyer: remember, you took an oath
Me: just one friend
Lawyer: an oath on the Bible
Me: *looks at ground* it was my mom
Taking inventory at a granite warehouse is counter productive.
I thrive on chaos!
*breaks spaghetti noodles in half*
I’m not above selling your kidney or my oldest child for a phone charger. I mean, if it came down to it. Not just like for fun.
Boss: I’ve been told one of you is just a robot car in disguise
*everyone stares at me, even Optimus who is drinking oil instead of coffee*
This picture says the only time the queen has ever used a knife before this moment, is to kill someone.
I’m no kind of intellectual, but my sister-in-law asked if “Edgar Allen Poe wrote the Romeo and Juliet book” and my kids share that family’s genes.
ME: Would you ever get a tattoo?
DAD: I don’t even highlight in books
You’d think Bowser would start locking the front door of his castle after the first time Mario just walked right in like he owned the joint.
Boss: Can I have a word with you?
Me: umbrella
The first rule of Thesaurus Club is, you don’t talk about, mention, speak of, discuss, chin wag, natter or chat about Thesaurus Club.
Saying you like a lot of meat in your taco is received differently on Twitter than it is on Facebook.
I know that now.
I’m moving today. To mess with the movers, I labeled one box “Thoughts.”
WIFE: I regret getting you that blender for Christmas.
ME: {drinking toast} Why?
*accidentally grabs a fork from the silverware drawer instead of a spoon but I’m too lazy to go back so it takes me 47 min. to eat my soup*
When you kidnap a writer.
“Do you ever get the feeling you’re being watched?”
[from the bushes]
“No”
My 5-year-old “is the milk from nice cows?” Idk dude just eat your cereal
Interviewer: Tell me your convictions
Me: Arson, 5 years. I burnt down my office
Interviewer: I mean like ‘firm beliefs’
Me: Company loyalty
Wife: I find him very patronising.
Me: That means she thinks I talk down to her.
Marriage counsellor: I don’t normally take sides but you should leave him.
I’ve always been a late bloomer. Everyone is going on about Barbie and Oppenheimer and I’m still here posting my wordle
This other mom was complaining about being so sick that her MIL took the kids for a few days.
KID FREE for DAYS!
So I licked her face.
My Girlfriend has spent the last 2 hours checking out every guy she sees.
I’m considering asking her to stop working in that Hotel Reception.