if u watch thamksgiving backwards its about a angry family yeling at each other then the uncle says something racist and everyone calms down
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I dont get laid nearly enough for someone who can name five different types of pokemon.
You didn’t have to say “he’s a male nurse.” When you said ‘he’ my psychic ability of gender discernment kicked in.
Men are from Mars. Women are from Venus. Gays are definitely from Saturn. You know the only planet chic enough to accessorize with a belt.
iPods will never teach kids to be ready to jump over sofas to push the “Rec” button on the tape deck when your song comes on.
As a kid, I had to be careful not to curse around adults. Now as an adult, I have to be careful not to curse around kids.
Made some terrible life choices the last few years.
Just kidding. I’m married and not allowed to make decisions.
“Did you ever try my hot salty water?” – Inventor of soup
I only go on LinkedIn to see what my coworkers looked like 15 years ago.
My wife is such a bad cook,if we leave dental floss in the kitchen the roaches hang themselves.
The British are coming! Get ready! Oh wait they’re coming by boat. We have like three months
I like men who play hard to get.
So when my Fiancé called off the wedding and started dating my Brother, I knew he was the one for me.
No one:
Absolutely no one:
Alexa: I’ve found one zoo near you with monkeys.
I photoshopped myself into a photo booth strip a coworker had on her desk and replaced it. And now we wait…
You know your cooking sucks when you toss your leftovers down the garbage disposal and it throws them up again.
COP: careful, this guy’s insane
DETECTIVE: ok
[he walks into the interrogation room]
ME: i dont like the creme part of oreos
D: jesus christ
The world is so overpopulated, it’s getting so a girl can’t even find a nice, quiet place to yank out her wedgie.
I tried being the bigger person but all it got me was type 2 diabetes.
6:32 a.m.
Me: Good morn—
6: I’m dizzy, nauseous, and dehydrated
Every Olympic event should include one average person competing, for reference.
Doctors, soldiers, firefighters. These are all respected positions. But the position I respect most as a parent
Is a driver’s Ed instructor
I just let a raccoon loose in my kitchen just so I’d have something to do tomorrow.
Bloodmobile: Sir, for the last time, this isn’t a food truck.
Dracula: Theez iz some bullshit.
[At work]
What can I do to pass the time?
(At the Gym)
Manager: Sir…I’m sorry but you’re required to wear a mask at all times on the gym floor.
Me: *sweating, panting and reaching around my face
I think…I think I swallowed it.
The Katy Perry song that goes, “You’re hot and you’re cold,” was actually about a microwaveable burrito.
I am a vibrant, youthful woman in her SEXUAL PRIME!!!!
Now come rub my wrists till my carpal tunnel stops hurting
Cavemen who roamed the earth were Meander-thals.
6 year old was FaceTiming a friend today and between the giggling and jumping around she went for a poop and stayed on the call throughout. And if I’m honest, out of my wife’s many talents I didn’t expect her to pass that one down
18 is TOO young to get married!
You can’t even buy booze at 18!
If you can’t buy booze, how the hell are you gonna make a marriage work?!?