if umpires are supposed to be so decisive then they should just be called pires
You Might Also Like
Don’t expect a “bless you” after you sprayed me down with your sneeze.
I threw a parking cone at someone. I am the drunkest person in the United states.
Dating in your 50’s is great!
Although my husband’s not that keen, tbh
if you eat your burrito over a tortilla, anything that falls out will simply start building your next burrito
Gang initiations from the Midwest be like “you have to eat the entire potato salad”
So many haunted “mansions.” Sad how this country is killing the middle class ghost.
turn-ons:
• eye contact
• people who pay attention to me
• people who know how to push my buttons
• oh god im a television
• how did this h―
Whenever I utter the word ‘sober’ I wash my mouth out with alcohol.
“Are you a cop? You have to tell me if you’re a cop.”
“I’m a cop.”
“So you’re a cop AND a gun dealer? Random, but okay let’s do this shit”
My dog and I are just drivin around, listenin to music and OMG DOG DO YOU EVEN HAVE A LICENSE? PAWS AT 10 AND 2. DO NOT FOLLOW THAT SQUIRREL
So did you have a nice,relaxing holiday asked the all people without three kids
[parking lot in the 80’s]
*man appears to be having a heart attack*
MY GRANDMA: calm down everyone, i know VCR
ME: that’s great, grandma. now he can record the shows he’s missing when he’s dead
I think everyone should get to vote which family member should get shot with a bow and arrow
My 4yo has been wrapping up his toys in newspaper and giving them to me as gifts all morning.
Really wishing right now I had bought him better shit.
[Job interview]
employer: oh! ou’ve brought a cat with you!
me: I hope that’s ok-
emp: when can he start?
me: WHAT?!
cat: meow
emp: great!
me: *shouts* good luck finding a ride, cat!
[Super soldier program]
SCIENTIST: We’ve given you an enhanced cybernetic arm.
ME: So I can take pies out of the oven without mitts.
SCIENTIST: More—more for killing people.
ME:
SCIENTIST:
ME:
SCIENTIST:
ME: But I can also—
SCIENTIST: Yes you can also use it for the pie thing.
Under ‘medical history’, we were hoping for something more specific to you personally. You wrote “Fleming discovered penicillin in 1928”.
Here me out, Jurassic Barbie.
*Updates dating profile*
Must be within walking distance due to gas prices.
*breaks into a McDonald’s at 2:00 am*
*fixes the ice cream machine*
a lot of people are really funny but they’re not comedians and a lot of comedians are really funny but they’re not people
I never feel more betrayed than when my hair won’t cooperate because it’s too clean
There’s no such thing as a 10 second rule, with a 5 second dog.
Anakin: …is it possible to learn this power?
Palpatine: *grins* not from a Jedi. Which is why I use SkillShare. SkillShare is an online learning community where you can learn—and teach—just about anything. Get two months of Skillshare Premium for free with coupon code “SHEEV”
*Carries a bookmark to that fancy restaurant with the extensive menu card.*
Spice up your anxiety attack by playing the Jaws theme song.
“I don’t know why I’m always depressed” I think to myself as I stare at the glowing portal in my hand that streams a constant feed of horror
Pizza won’t solve your problems but you gotta try something.
Every time someone tells you they are a vegan an angel eats a dog.
Shakespeare: shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
Me: sure
Shakespeare: okay. summer’s day > you