I begin to read a horror novel in Braille.
Something bad is about to happen, I can feel it.
if umpires are supposed to be so decisive then they should just be called pires
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No laws when master is gone
Why do they call it alcoholics anonymous if you introduce yourself?
Hey vegans. Making a salad is not “cooking”. Making a salad is “assembling”.
I don’t like who I become when an online form expires in the middle of me filling it out.
my girlfriend has literally 40 browser tabs open on her $170 chromebook. some tabs are like a week old and it’s not even slowing down. it’s astounding. trying to imagine what 1998 me would think of that. he’d be amazed i have a girlfriend
I just hope this Justin Bieber thing doesn’t make all yellow Lamborghini owners look bad.
[Sitting on park bench with 3 loaves of bread, surrounded by ducks]
Stranger: You really shouldn’t feed them bread
Me: Oh it’s not for them *eats another loaf*
Waiter: “Dogs aren’t allowed in restaurants.”
Me: “He’s my service dog.”
My dog: “I’m here to fix your refrigerator.”
If Thomas Jefferson was alive today people would scream “What the hell? You’re almost 300 years old!”