if umpires are supposed to be so decisive then they should just be called pires

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I begin to read a horror novel in Braille.

Something bad is about to happen, I can feel it.


Hey vegans. Making a salad is not “cooking”. Making a salad is “assembling”.


I don’t like who I become when an online form expires in the middle of me filling it out.


my girlfriend has literally 40 browser tabs open on her $170 chromebook. some tabs are like a week old and it’s not even slowing down. it’s astounding. trying to imagine what 1998 me would think of that. he’d be amazed i have a girlfriend


I just hope this Justin Bieber thing doesn’t make all yellow Lamborghini owners look bad.


[Sitting on park bench with 3 loaves of bread, surrounded by ducks]

Stranger: You really shouldn’t feed them bread

Me: Oh it’s not for them *eats another loaf*



Waiter: “Dogs aren’t allowed in restaurants.”

Me: “He’s my service dog.”

My dog: “I’m here to fix your refrigerator.”


If Thomas Jefferson was alive today people would scream “What the hell? You’re almost 300 years old!”