if umpires are supposed to be so decisive then they should just be called pires
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Friend: Take my advice, girls love guys with pets
*later*
Me:*holding a snake to date’s face* his name -stop screaming- his name is Carl.
Hey man, best wishes. And I’m not just saying that because I’d be the number one suspect if something happened to you.
Bond. Trauma bond.
Therapist sighs, sets down glasses, rubs the bridge of his nose. “For the last time, Christy, eating ham is not a life plan.”
When the world is about to end, I hope we know about it in advance so I can stop doing laundry.
Dressing up as the grim reaper while at work in the ER is not amusing says HR. So uptight.
[first day as a bartender]
boss: stop putting OJ in the mojitos
me: *starts serving mitos*
“This is going to hurt me more than it hurts you” he said, without even realizing that he was holding the tazer backwards.
When a stranger changes in front of you, they’re either interested or you’re friend zoned.
It’s hard to tell from this tree.
My “snooze” button should just be called the “nope, no yoga today” button.
I miss when flirting was just wearing a candy necklace around my neck and asking if he wanted a bite
My daughters persistence is one of her greatest qualities and it will serve her well in the future, I just hope it doesn’t kill me first.
A cool thing about kids is how they make you keep an open mind, like when your 3 year old wakes you up to ask “What if we were hotdogs?” and you’re like, oh damn what if
HULK:*smashes a tank*
IRON MAN:*flies bomb into space to save mankind*
HAWKEYE: I have an arrow w/ your name on it pal, hold on stand still
Could you imagine being the Secret Service agent that blocked a bullet for Donald Trump, 20 years later? You wouldn’t tell anyone.
check in attendant: are you flying alone?
me: I’ll probably need a pilot
I am not a woman who can exercise with makeup on without ending up looking like a Salvador Dali painting
I know this now
In my son’s class they were talking about allergies, my son said “My mom says she’s allergic to most other moms” Super
[1st time meeting a friends baby]
Me to the Wife: “Our baby would kill their baby in a duel.”
Friend: “HEY! WE CAN HEAR YOU!”
I made a female coworker cry on her birthday. For future reference, “I thought you were way older than that” is not a compliment.
“Was he better than me?”
“Joe, don’t.”
“I have a right to know!”
“No, he wasn’t better than you.”
[god appears]
“Mary, what the hell?”
The good thing about being tall is, you can’t get lost in a crowd.
The bad thing is, you can’t get lost in a crowd.
[first date]
ME: so where are you from?
HER: I’m Finnish
ME: oh ok then [pulls her dinner plate over & starts eating her meal]
HER: wtf?
GPS: You’re not really lost, you just want someone to talk to.
2022 will be better than 2021
I really like the word aesthetic, it’s so pleasant on the eye. I wonder if there’s a word to describe that.
Who called them nuclear submarines and not fission ships?
(Age 22)
*chugs bottle of water*
Let’s shoot some more hoops!(Age 42)
*chugs bottle of water*
I gotta pee.
Love will tear us apart. Also, bears, wolves and some other woodland creatures.
1) Put index and thumb together.
2) Place them where nose meets forehead.
3) Close eyes.
4) Sigh.
5) Check to see if person still talking.