It’s always good to tell people to “stay safe” during a distaster just in case they didn’t know.
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Boy ant: Feel like a swim?
Girl ant: Can’t, I’m not boy ant.
What I say: “Agree to disagree”
What I really mean: “You are dumb and I will allow you to stay that way”
Getting away with an expired coupon like, yes, I am a con artist.
If a shark attacks you, punch him in the nose. And if that doesn’t work, use your severed arm to tickle his belly.
Enough with emails already. I’m only conducting business communication by Snapchat from now on.
That last arrested development season was pretty bad but I still laugh thinking of this cut that is supposed to be seconds after the previous season ended but can’t mask the 6 years production gap
Me trying to walk in a dream
Received an email that my “services are no longer needed effective immediately” & “good luck on your future endeavors”. Frankly I think my wife should have told me in person.
If your neighbor has wind chimes, you have wind chimes.
You could probably eliminate about 82 of your 99 problems by just minding your own business.
WIFE: Did you get the baby their shots?
ME: Of course
BABY: [licking salt off wrist] WOOOO
If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, no question, I would want to have pizza.
[after losing a rap battle]
me: I didn’t realize how much rhymed with jorts
*tosses incriminating letter into the fireplace*
ME: will someone please light a fire in this fireplace
My wedding didnt even make it into my sister’s instagram september dump but her Starbucks order did
Two princes?
I’ll take the one that wants to buy me rockets.
When someone blows a kiss at me I karate chop it right in half.
Luigi: You got your own land, world & galaxy. Can I have Mario Mansion?
Mario: ok fine [under breath] gonna put a bunch of ghosts in it tho
When guys hold up their legs while riding a motorcycle. Like oh r u having soooo much fun. Are you saying weeeeeee
My co-worker’s wife just had her baby, so I told him “Happy… uh… baby!” because I couldn’t remember that normal humans say “congratulations,” and that tells you everything you need to know about me
Every time I cross the border into Canada they search my car with a fine tooth comb.
Maybe I should take off the “Honk if you love the Taliban” bumper sticker.
I don’t use commas in my tweets I am a rebel without a pause
It was the worst of times, it was the worst of times.
-2020
9: Mom, why are all those girls standing on their tiptoes?
Me: Because they’re ballet dancers
9: Why didn’t they just get taller girls?
Me: That’s the murder house on the street.
Friend: That’s your house.
Me: Yea
I’ve been standing here for 30 minutes and it hasn’t even moved.
I’m seriously considering taking up falconry. Someone pisses me off? BAM! Falcon, right in the face.
“And to my son Ronald, I leave my entire collection of mint-condition, never-been-opened LinkedIn Updates emails.”
I’m not trying to be racist but black people are darker than white people.
A lot of infant toys promise to improve motor skills, yet I’ve never seen a baby work on a car.