My horoscope says I will meet the man of my dreams today. Not sure how my husband will take the news but I’m pretty damn excited
if ur dad didn’t want to be more than friends then why did he get me that delicious glass of water
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Kids: Yay! Summer break!
Me: Not so fast. Let me introduce you to…THE GREAT SUMMER CHORE CHART OF 2017!
*3 kids faint, 1 runs away*
WIFE: you’ve had enough
ME (eating my 68th breadstick): aw man
OLIVE GARDEN MANAGER: let him eat one more lol
BOSS: I’m gonna “axe” you a few questions. Haha do you get it?
ME: Yeah I “saw” that coming
BOSS: Ooo welcome aboard!
Passenger: Do you mind if I take a picture out the window?
Pilot: Of course, you utter dipshit.
I told my mom that “trying to smash” was slang for going to smashburger and now I deeply regret it
My Mom asked me to help her sign up to Twitter so I did and she’s really enjoying Google Plus.
All I’m saying is no one ever country westerns you like a hurricane.
Harry Potter Hair Evolution
PET LIZARD NAME IDEAS:
2. that’s it