@imteddybless

if ur dad didn’t want to be more than friends then why did he get me that delicious glass of water

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@Just_Lee_

My horoscope says I will meet the man of my dreams today. Not sure how my husband will take the news but I’m pretty damn excited

@sarcasticmommy4

Kids: Yay! Summer break!

Me: Not so fast. Let me introduce you to…THE GREAT SUMMER CHORE CHART OF 2017!

*3 kids faint, 1 runs away*

@Brampersandon_

WIFE: you’ve had enough
ME (eating my 68th breadstick): aw man
OLIVE GARDEN MANAGER: let him eat one more lol

@TheToddWilliams

[lumberjack interview]
BOSS: I’m gonna “axe” you a few questions. Haha do you get it?
ME: Yeah I “saw” that coming
BOSS: Ooo welcome aboard!

@StansaidAirport

Passenger: Do you mind if I take a picture out the window?

Pilot: Of course, you utter dipshit.

@zakagan

I told my mom that “trying to smash” was slang for going to smashburger and now I deeply regret it

@Brianhopecomedy

My Mom asked me to help her sign up to Twitter so I did and she’s really enjoying Google Plus.

@TheBoydP

All I’m saying is no one ever country westerns you like a hurricane.