*Bee lands on flower covered in another flower’s pollen*
FLOWER: What’s that?
BEE: I can explain
F: I don’t want to hear your lies, Ian
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You’d think the neighbors wouldn’t be so upset about the helpful notes I left for them regarding their god awful Christmas decorations.
in the song “the final countdown” they do not actually count down, thus invalidating the basis of the song. furthermore,
Me: *gets all four daughters dressed*
Wife: I want everyone in Christmas dresses.
Me: But-
Wife: Everyone.
Me: Fine. *puts on my dress*
waiter: “have we decided yet sir?”
me: [after practicing saying gnocchi to myself for 15 minutes] “the margarita pizza please”
[bank]
me: this is a stick up!
bank teller: [whispering] turn the gun around
me: what? omg i’m so embarrassed
bank teller: lol first time?
me: is it that obvious?
bank teller: you’re doing great sweetie
why he move like a hotel transylvania character
In France for work. Obviously I knew there would be lots of people with dogs. What I was not prepared for is that the dogs seem aware they are French
That is the biggest doily I have ever seen.
No one has more ailments than a child who was put to bed.
3: mommy! Come look, I made a water fall
Me: oh dear god
Drugs don’t kill people, people who run out of drugs kill people
Quarantine: stay inside where theres nothing to do and be sa-
Adderall & Craft Supplies: MAKE DUCKS
May god have mercy on the soul of the person who takes this job
Bananas evolved to become a deadly slipping hazard for their greatest predator, the human
Horrifically awaiting the day all the shampoo bottles in my shower decide to squeeze me back.
I couldn’t say no to a double dog dare. How about you? Why did you get arrested?
Me: “I’m having a great hair day.”
Wind: “No you’re not.”
Just so funny
Girls be like “I love you” and then instead of ghosting you and going fishing with the guys, they spend the rest of their lives with you. Be careful out there
i wanna do one of those guy takes a picture of himself everyday for a year but i’m afraid people will be like wow he really wears that sweater a lot
If by “unload the dishwasher” you mean take out clean utensils as I need them, then yes I unloaded the dishwasher.
Her: remember Jimmy Neutron?
Me: yeah, but I haven’t seen it in years
Her: what was the super hero the nerdy kid loved?
Me: ultra lord, and his name was Sheen
Her: yes, thank you. When’s my birthday?
Me:
Her: when’s my birthday Kyle
Me:
Me: happy b-
Her: it was yesterday
Whenever someone says they have “a thing” for me, I secretly hope it’s a pony.
me: my fish is very dry
waiter: yes, we had to take him out of the water
me: smart
[napping on couch]
Son: wanna play cops and robbers?
Me: ok i’ll be the cops.
Son: you have to chase me.
Me: I can’t.
Son: why not?
Me: i’m waiting on a judge to sign your warrant.
Son: oh.
Me: [eyes still closed] I’ll let you know when it comes in.
Before records were invented, people used to say: u sound like an opera singer that keeps repeating himself
*Held up the grocery line because the card reader couldn’t read my Apple Watch*
Elderly Man behind me: (Exhales) Let’s move this along, future boy
when my daughter is mad she points at me and delivers what I can only assume is a gypsy curse
Honestly, I’m a woman with a dog and an air fryer, so my topic of conversation is pretty limited
My family doesn’t get together a lot during the holidays.
We see each other enough throughout the year at all the interventions.