@jazmasta

if ur date declines a kiss at the end of the night open ur mouth and let the ants escape. Then say “it’s ok I had a mouthful of ants anyway”

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@TheSpookyKiwi

Dexter is my favorite show about how hard is it not to stab dumb idiots.

@Petote

BF went to text me “almost there”
It came out “almost dead”
So hungover, I wrote back “thank god”
And now he arrived and things are awkward

@PlainTravis

I’m quitting my job to pursue my dream of quitting my job.

@murrman5

[wife talking to me on phone 45 mins after I go to play poker at friends house]
“stop crying for a second…what do you mean you lost me?”

@jollyrobber

I haven’t ordered anything from Amazon in a week, and they just sent local law enforcement by the house to do a welfare check.

@AthenaMystique

I hope buying all this cat food doesn’t make me look like a crazy cat lady.

I just like the taste.

@theroneman

[stacks of books on floor]
Impressive, son.
[son places pizza on one stack, soda & cookies on others]
“Yep; perfect height” [turns on Xbox]

@ohheyohhihello

Today I drove through a huge puddle that splashed up under my car and laughed to myself as I whispered, “car bidet.”

@tombrodude

i only got hired to babysit one time and i let the kid drink from a puddle. well technically we both drank from the puddle

@Nofstnme

Unfortunately….. Nobody wants to have sex with your inner beauty.