Life is not a sprint, it’s a Marathon gas station that’s always out of your favorite drink and someone is always in the restroom when you need to go.
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Me: people are going to body shame no matter the size so you may as well have some cake
Them: okay, ma’am, but you still can’t bring a sheet cake into the movie theater
IT: So you were hacked? What’s your login?
Me: KENNY…and my password is….
IT: FOOTLOOSE
Me: Wow…How did you know?
IT:
My kid can’t remember if it’s “heck” or “hell” that he’s not supposed to say in school, so he’s been switching between them both and I’ll just go ahead and pencil in a meeting with his teacher now
Me: The kids haven’t eaten their sandwiches
Wife: ok just throw them out[Later]
Me *helping the kids pack a suitcase* look I’m as surprised as you are
Me: The face is a tortilla. The eyes are banana slices and the mouth is made of peanut butter. His name is Bertram. He’s my best friend.
[12 minutes later]
Me: I have eaten my best friend.
Me (a masseur): *applying oil*
Client: Aren’t you supposed to put that on me?
I will never sell out my integrity unless I am offered something for it.
I dated a 21 year old for 3 months before she looked up from her phone and realized I wasn’t Tobey Maguire
You know you have a good therapist when he takes his shoes off, curls up in the chair with snacks and says, “next session is free, this story is too good.”
Michael Cera, too timid to send his food back even though he’s allergic to almonds, eats a meal and politely goes into anaphylactic shock.
Ghost cat: how’d you die?
Ghost dog: i bit a guy that ran over my best pal and they put me down
GC: i got hit by a car
GD: I know
GC: ilu
Some people come into your life for a reason.
Like for target practice.
[slams a leaf blower down on the counter at Home Depot] this hairdryer is too dangerous
Well it was really just a matter of time, but I think I’ve completely creeped out my sleep paralysis demon for good this time.
The hardest part about going through a divorce is finding a hitman you can trust.
Ugh, accidentally shared my private google sheet of perceived slights I’ve endured at potlucks, how’s your Monday going
Tall girls might get modeling contracts but I can still ask for the high school student discount.
today i’m firing on all cylinders if the number of cylinders I have is zero cylinders in total
This is the best tattoo I’ve ever seen in my whole life, no contest
I wonder if the username “That Cab” is free, cause a lot of people would want to follow “That Cab”
[with my final breath] Tell my wife that I loved..the economy
DATE: I want to be with someone that fights for change
ME: [with a mouth full of lasagna] I won’t fight other people for less than minimum wage
i choose….tongue
I just explained the concept of a nail gun to my 4 year old and honestly he’s never been this interested in anything I’ve had to say.
[creation]
GOD: You guys are bees
BEE: Are we important?
GOD: Mankind would collapse without you
BEE: Can we fly?
GOD: No, it’s physically impossible cause you’re all too fat lol
BEE: …
GOD: Ok fine I’ll figure it out
Do Flat Earthers also believe the sun and moon are flat?
Like, is the entire solar system just a mismatched collection of space dinner plates?
As I told my 4 year old it was bed time she turned herself into a sloth and started walking really slow. So yes kids test your patience.
Julian Assange became a role model for hackers worldwide by crashing at a friend’s place indefinitely & never paying his share of any bills.
[sees people filming a movie] yeah real original. a movie. like that’s never been done before
Her: *firing a stun gun at my head*
Me: *screaming* No! I said “I like brain TEASERS”