IF UR DATING SOMEONE
AND THEY GIVE YOU GOOSEBUMPS
BUT THEY DON’T GIVE YOU FRIES
WHY ARE YOU TOGETHER?
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At the end of my appointment, the doctor took her own blood pressure.
funny thing about zombie movies — they never seem to go after the cameraman 🤷♀️
[at the club]
Me: I got the moves
Her: it’s “runs”
When I have a daughter I’m naming her Leroy. No guy will ever say “Yo bro I hooked up with Leroy last night” how would that sound?
Everyone on Instagram has pics of them at places all over the world & I’m like here’s another shot of me from a different angle on my sofa
Apart from “life is short” what other lines do you use before making bad decisions?
Sometimes I treat my depression, but other times we go dutch.
Angel: They’re gonna shave you & make stuff outta your hair
Sheep: OK
Angel: They’re gonna ride on your back & use you to pull things
Horse: Got it
Angel: And you–
Cow: You got anything a little kinky?
Angel: Oh we got you covered
you know what’s a waste of time? when you call a medical office and their message starts with, “if this is a life threatening emergency, please hang up and call 911” … if you didn’t learn that by the age of 4 then who are we to interrupt natural selection?
I would never want to go on a date with The Kool-Aid man partially because he is a large juice but mainly because I think the financial strain from the wall repair bills would cause issues in our relationship.
My 6-year-old, describing the ant he saw today
[last supper]
“Wine!” exclaims Jesus touching everyone’s water glasses. “Wine, wine, wine [arrives at Judas] Mountain Dew lol.”
*crashes your wedding
Why aren’t you answering my DM?!
“14 years, £20 billion later and my team have finally finished building a Large Hadron Kaleidoscope.”
“You mean Collider?”
“Oh shit!”
Dear Milk of Magnesia manufacturers:
Please add : ‘Don’t trust a fart’ to your side effects label.
kthanksbye
Does anyone know the difference between an elk and a deer?
Cos I think I just ran over a cyclist.
I’m never more irritated by fashion than when I’m trying to stuff something in a fake pocket!
I think those 5G masts are emitting invisible waves that make people more susceptible to conspiracy theories.
Blues songs are about being sad, which is why so many of them begin with “I woke up this morning.”
A truck just flipped a dead squirrel onto my windshield and it’s stuck in my wiper.
I guess I don’t have to stop to get supper tonight.
i guess i’m not sure how to end a relationship correctly walking towards him banging a pan loudly with a wooden spoon did not work
All I ask is that when I’m murdered, you make my chalk outline four sizes smaller.
The cure to missing someone is just remembering what an asshole they really were.
WebMD is too stodgy and clinical, give me EtsyMD where you get your diagnosis embroidered on one of them wooden rings 𝓨𝓸𝓾’𝓻𝓮 𝓭𝔂𝓲𝓷𝓰 𝓹𝓻𝓸𝓫𝓪𝓫𝓵𝔂
[bruce wayne falls into a cave inhabited by a hibernating bear & things turn out very differently]
Me: get out, it’s my turn in the hedge now you’ve been hogging it way too long
Hedgehog: no
How many people in America do you think I can trick into believing that Brexit is the name of one of Sarah Palin’s kids?
I imagine when you get to heaven they give you a box with all the sodas and snacks that vending machines cheated you out of your whole life.
Text my grandma if she wants to go to the grocery with me she replied 🔥
like is that hell yeah or does she want to burn it down