if ur getting chased by a bunch of drunk 90’s kids just yell out “in west Philadelphia born & raised” then u got like 2 min to run
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gf: that guy hit on me, show him who’s boss
me: *whispering to guy* she is
Felt sad that rabbits ate all my marigolds.
Then felt glad that I don’t have to water them anymore.
Suburban life is a roller coaster.
I just wrote that it has already been an exceptionally long eeek and I don’t even feel the need to correct it.
Weird how my husband can sleep through the baby crying but he jumps straight up with one unsnap of my bra hook.
[months ago]
Me: I wish for one episode to be so dark no one can see it, one episode to include an infamous coffee cup debacle, and the series to end with Tony Soprano sitting on the Iron Throne.
Genie: And now we wait.
We just walked into a Target and my wife said we don’t need a buggy and I don’t know what I’m supposed to do in here without a buggy to push.
[touring beyonce’s house]
me: *taking off my shoes* when do they inflate it
I’ve started dating Little Red Riding Hood’s gran.
She’s an animal in bed.
{Comes home after watching Beauty & the Beast}
ME: *Throws dumb non-singing teapot on the ground* You’re not even trying.
could a mosquito drink blood out of a cup or something or are they legally required to capri sun my legs all summer
Invited a homeless guy to Thanksgiving dinner this morning, so when he shows up at your place, let him in.
Somehow, going into The Dollar Store and asking for a price check just never gets old.
having children is a pyramid scheme.
The Professor Banned Laptops In Class. Too Bad College Kids Are Petty!😂😭😭
*aliens return to ship*
ALIEN LEADER: Where are the humans?
“We left them”
AL: Why?
“They didn’t look anything like their selfies in rl”
My siblings and me have a tradition where we all put in $100 to give to whoever’s birthday it is. So since it’s 6 of us, on each of our birthdays we get $500 to celebrate. Today is my little brothers 30th birthday and he texted us at 5am for his money lol
Sometimes I just sit and run my fingers through my girl’s hair. Its a nice way to let her know I love her and also that were out of napkins
My son hates how I fuss about his birthday at his workplace.
So this year the Mariachi band will not be wearing hats.
Quarantine, day 14. Me and my boyfriend spent the whole day setting up an art gallery for our gerbil.
Fifty Shades of Grey is only romantic because the guy is a billionaire. If he was living in a trailer park it would be a Criminal Minds episode.
“Make him press 1 again.”
“Good.”
“Now, 3 minutes of silence.”
“He still there?”
“Give him 18 minutes of pan flute.”– Call Center Training
My Comcast internet goes down so often that it’s started an OnlyFans account.
People say I’m a bad person, but they’re just jealous that they can’t kick pigeons as far as I can.
Maybe dogs are smarter than us because they found a way to get fed and housed without having to go to college and get a job
If Tim Horton’s is actually Canadian shouldn’t it be Tim Hourtoun’s?
me: ok, we’re all tired, let’s go to bed
5yo: what did you do to be tired?
me: *eye twitches*
Me trying to make small talk with my new co-workers
My resume is really just a list of things I never want to do again.
The easiest way to confuse a man is to wear a straight jacket that accentuates your cleavage.
✌🏽