If ur late to an appt, just tell them u had another one, but were on time to that one. That way they associate you with punctuality
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Dinner with Mom: Are these real people you’re talking about or are they from the internet?
[Planning Rustic Vacation]
Me: Should we rent a cabin or a cottage?
Her: What’s the difference?
M: Well, cottages are usually home to witches who eat children; cabins usually contain partying teens who get murdered by a psychopath.
H: I meant in price.
[buys plastic lightsabers for the kids]
5-year-old daughter: Mine is broken.
Me: What’s wrong with it?
5: It doesn’t even cut off arms.
Religion: because reading one book is a lot easier than a whole bunch of hard ones.
I heard my cat walking down the hall because his claws are too long. Then I realized I hadn’t taken off his tap shoes since the photo shoot.
[at the mall]
“I’ve lost my son. Can you make an announcement for me?”
“Sure, what’s his name?”
“Xander.”
“See, that’s why he ran off.”
[car dealership]
ME: [not savvy] i need a new car SALESMAN: what kind
ME: car
SALESMAN: haha what kind of car
ME: [perspiring freely] new
Leaving the Barbers like
[heist team lowers me into the mainframe]
*I see a bra fastened around the keyboard*
Me, sweating: shit, I’ve never gotten past one of these
[first day as 911 operator]
ME: 911 what’s your- your- *looks over to boss*
BOSS: emergency
ME: hey, gotta go we have an emergency here
friend: should i have kids?
me: my kids are currently outside barking back at the neighbors dog for 10 minutes now. 0 stars do not recommend.
Roadtripping with my family has taught me that my marriage can withstand anything except roadtripping with my family.
how come kids always get lice but you never hear about adults getting lice. no workplace ever brings the lice inspection lady in to check the office. no one comes home from work like “sorry honey. tim on the fifth floor gave everyone lice again”
“Hey can you take our picture?”
ME: yea sure
*takes picture*
ME: wait sorry, The Flash was turned on
THE FLASH: *blushing in the background*
I swear if I see one more person enter this WalMart wearing pajamas I am going to take the belt off my bathrobe and choke them with it
Me trying to ask someone for a favor: Hey could you help me with this thing? Absolutely no pressure though. Totally ok if you can’t. If you’d rather run me over with a car that’s cool. Are you mad at me?
Don’t compare yourself to other people but if you must, compare yourself to someone objectively worse.
I will never refer to ‘drunk me’ or ‘sober me’ because that implies the second one exists.
If da Vinci were alive today, the “Mona Lisa” would have been called “IMG-20121020-00463.jpg”
“I call it orange soda cause it’s orange and soda”
-My 4yo inventing orange soda
[Infomercial]
HOST: Wanna learn how to lose up to 15 pounds with one simple trick?!?
AUDIENCE: Yes!
HOST: Here’s how! *rips off his own arm*
I’d like to say the best moment of a woman’s life is giving birth, but it’s actually seeing an old nemesis & realizing she got really fat.
Always a bridesmaid, never the Brideslord, summoning the nation’s brides to war with a mighty blast of the brideshorn.
doctor: describe your average night
me: they wear suits of armor
doctor: no I mean at bedtime
me: they probably take it off
Netflix and oh great my wife is asleep already.
Apparently it was wrong of me to tell the aunt who said that I’ve gotten ‘big’ since 2019 that she’s also gotten ‘bigger’ since I saw her in 2019.
Just because you didn’t say “thank you” doesn’t mean I’m won’t say “you’re welcome.” No need for us both to behave the way you were raised.
[Party]
Me: so I went to the corner shop…and bought 4 corners hahahaColonel Mustard *jumps up* can you join me in the study?
Me: Yeah why?
Colonel Mustard *picking up candlestick* just come now
I wonder how many tragedies I’ve prevented by standing nearby with my hands on my hips saying “Be careful!”