If ur late to an appt, just tell them u had another one, but were on time to that one. That way they associate you with punctuality
You Might Also Like
Studies show people lose interest in a tweet right about now
Please. Old people. When you comment on a Facebook pic you don’t need to end with Love, James. WE CAN SEE YOUR NAME YOU’RE NOT AN OSTRICH
You’ve attempted to log into your online subscription of Psychology Today, please prove you’re not an imposter.
Me: … No worries!
Narrator: There were, in fact, many worries.
if I worked behind some kind of counter, every day I would simply wear a sleeping cap, and have two tip jars, labeled “honk shoo” and “mimimimimi”
To the driver of the truck with the ENVYME vanity plate who took up two spaces and left me nowhere to park: Why would I envy someone with four freshly deflated tires?
Yeah but how do misinformed people feel about it?
You’re either passionately pro or anti-cilantro, there is no middle ground.
Emperor: How are my elite troops doing on Endor?
Vader: They were all viciously murdered by teddy bears.
Emperor: That sounds plausible.
No, autocorrect, switching “generics” to “gerbils” in the message I sent to my doctor without proofreading first was actually extremely helpful, thank you for that.
Can I be wracked with something other than guilt. Like. Can I be wracked with spaghetti.
Exercise gives you energy but you need energy to exercise. Sounds like a pyramid scheme to me
“I’d totally have sex with that guy if he roared his engine louder!”
-nobody ever
Me: The salad with chicken, cheese and can you put it between slices of bread?
Waiter: So a sandwich?
Me: I’d prefer if we called it a salad
“Look, officer, I’m not being a smartass. All I’m sayin’ is if you caught me then you were speeding too”.
“You’ve lost some weight.” sounds suspiciously like “You were a disgusting fatso before, but I was too nice to say so.”.
I’ve had 3 Red Bulls today and now I can taste my heartbeat.
Holy shit, remember rhymes with September. If no one thought about putting that in a song, I’m gonna be rich.
[on a first date]
Her: …
Me: …EMT: So, whose idea was it to go ice skating?
Shoutout to all the bank robbers who aren’t being taken seriously anymore.
A Quiet Place (Family, 2018): heartwarming tale of parents who keep their kids quiet with the help of a murderous monster
This invitation says, “Regrets only,” so I’m sending them a note that says, “My hair throughout most of the ‘90s.”
It’s amazing the little things you learn about your kids as they grow everyday.
For example today I learned my 3yo is kind of a mean drunk.
[inventing chalk]
We want something that young children can use to play and learn with, but we also need to be able to outline dead bodies.
I really hope someone makes a movie about a time traveler that keeps going to 2020 to fix it but makes it worse each time
[Watching the Food Network]
Me: She made THAT with those 3 ingredients? That’s DISGUSTING!
Also me: *dips cornbread in pickle juice*
*accidentally watches MTV awards
“Who?”
Me: Well, that’s enough for one day.
Husband: But you just woke up.
Me: Exactly.
Idea: a neck tattoo that depicts a man having an unsuccessful job interview because of his neck tattoo
You’re only as old as you feel, they say. So, 80. Today it’s 80.