Me: I feel like I’m wearing this bathing suit wrong
Store clerk: Thats a dream catcher
You Might Also Like
I didn’t eat the side of fries bc they were soggy, room temperature and not bringing any joy. So yeah I’m on the Marie Kondo diet now.
I’m not sure which is a gentler way to wake me up; my 2yo or walking barefoot through a pile of glass shards.
Gilmore girls is a fantasy about living in a walkable community
How to make-out –
1. Hold her close
2. Kiss passionately
3. Don’t mention the budget deficit or your father
“I liked small butts. I was lying.” – Sir Mix-A-Lot’s teary deathbed confession
*Adds brown food coloring to hot water*
Me serving decaf
when you were a kid did the kids tv programmes do this thing where they hit people with a “custard pie” but the “pie” was clearly just a paper plate with a little bit of foam on it, as though we were stupid. As though we could not perceive their dishonour
You can change your cat’s name every day. They don’t care.
My favorite sex move is the reverse fire fighter. That’s where you get him all hot & then climb out the window & drive away in his truck.
Polite kitties have good etiquecat
All those Tarot cards and not one person at Burning Man saw this coming.
15 yo daughter has a friend over and suddenly 13 yo son wants to walk around curling dumbbells.
[mcdonalds]
me: two marijuanas please
employee: this is the mcdonald’s drive thru
me: two McMarijuanas please
[caught sneaking spaghetti into a movie theater] It’s OK, I have a medical marinara card.
Cake: I want a girl who gets up early. I want a girl who stays up late.
Me: She is going to be exhausted.
Standing in the liquor store, trying to decide if tonight’s dose of self-loathing and regret should have a screw-top or a cork.
cop: can you describe the intruder?
me: he had a toe ring
cop: he was bare foot?
me: no, he was wearing shoes, but I could just tell
*signs up for PayPal because it sounds like having a friend*
At my age, “getting lucky” means being able to find my car in the parking lot.
My wife and I have different beliefs about death. I want to be cremated when I die, and she wants to cremate me now.
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: so what exactly did the “shapeshifter” look like?
[the easel makes a throat-slitting gesture]
ME: …I dont remember
Why do sanitary towel adverts always feature a liquid which is blue?
Are aliens their primary customers?
me: *nauseated from eating too much*
also me: did you say cake?
WIFE: How’s the ventriloquism going?
ME: Not good.
WIFE: But I got you that Ventriloquism For Dummies book.
ME: I don’t think he read it.
I will straight up walk into traffic to avoid a kid selling something.
If my wife takes any longer to get ready to go out, she’ll need to go and shave her legs again!!
You’re in his DMs, I’m outside his window with a JBL speaker streaming Taylor Swift.
Joined our neighborhood watch program. There’s 30 of us though so I only get to wear it like 1 day a month. 🙁
My boss threw a Snickers at me and I caught it one handed so I think I’d be a good athlete if sports were played with candy bars