Me: *Posing nude for the first time*
Photographer: Absolutely stunning, but inappropriate for your drivers license tbh
You Might Also Like
“You will feel a little pressure but no pain…”
~Doctors or dentists about to hurt you bad
Coworker: how was your thanksgiving?
Me: ……….. I assume you want me to hear about yours?
Don’t be jealous but my kids managed to have 14 different fights in the 5 minute drive home from school.
Fun prank: a YouTube white noise track of ten hours of “Rainfall In a Forest,” but, at the seven-hour point, you can hear two people walk past planning a murder
Every motorcycle cop is a liquid terminator until proven otherwise.
as a kid: i have to save up for this toy
as an adult: i have to save up for this rent
How do I get a job as the non-research half of a murder podcast that just contributes the occasional well-timed “wait, what?”
If you think you have a stupid question, just remember NASA engineers once asked Sally Ride if 100 tampons were enough for a 7 day mission.
I just opened a Capri Sun in the dark, sup ladies
Wife: It’s sweltering in here. We need to get the AC fixed.
Me: Look at this gif, it’ll cool you down.
Wife: I forget, did you want to be buried or cremated?
Apparently the rebooted bible will feature a female Jesus, and Moses will be a raccoon
Awww, I remember when I was 18 and thought I was an adult too. Good times.
Dog: *Asleep
Dog: *Totally sleeping fam
Dog: *Don’t worry bout me
Dog: *Down for the night
Me: *Gets comfy in bed
Dog: *I gotta pee yo
I jokingly asked my mom if I was born with a tail and she started acting all weird like someone who gave birth to a baby with a tail
Just installed an egg cannon on the hood of my car. Flipping people off and cursing at them just doesn’t satisfy me anymore.
You never hear about Aztec women complaining about being left at the altar in the old days.
wife: I’m leaving you
me: is it because of my hobby?
wife: yes
me: but on friday february 8th 2018 at 8:17 pm I asked “Is it ok if I became a stenographer” to which you replied “thats fine” to which I replied “great” to which you replied “wait are you typing this right now?”
My 3-year-old wanted to wash dishes but the dishes weren’t dirty enough for her so she lost her shit. Sometimes 3-year-old’s really *takes deep breath* test your patience.
If I had been a Spice Girl I would’ve been Garlic Spice.
I just asked my kids to jump into a bubbling magma pit.
Just kidding, I asked them to eat the dinner I cooked for them, but their reaction fits that magma scenario
What idiot called it a pharmacy and not a “coughy shop”
If I ever find someone I love as much as pizza…
…I will kill them. Nobody comes between me and pizza.
What if the 5th dentist was from the future and knew about the long-term tooth damage caused by Trident?
It’s saying something when you marry Charles Manson and you look like the crazy one.
Make fun of Kim Kardashian’s name choice for North West if you want, but that baby is going straight up. And slightly to the left.
She asked me to go deeper so I started quoting Nietzsche
how long have you had this for?
Skynet: Send a Terminator to 1984.
[5 minutes later]
Skynet: Okay, nothing changed. Send the way better liquid terminator to 1991.
I’m like Moses parting the sea of dogs to make a space to sleep on my bed