Cashier: You’re the first person to not buy flowers or chocolates today.
Me: * looks down at burrito and donuts *
It’s still love though.
if ur worried ur not gonna get a New Years Eve kiss just remember that Valentines Day is in 45 days n ur probably gonna b alone for that too
You Might Also Like
me: god I need a break from work
God: [creates pandemic]
me: not like that
ME: [forgetting the name of someone I went to school with for years] Hey… man!
ME: [watching GoT] That’s Randyll Tarly, Samwell’s father.
Just purchased one of those wigs that lawyers in England wear to put on when I have an argument with my wife.
Me: Sometimes I wish I wasn’t shy and introverted
Alcohol: I’VE GOT GREAT NEWS!
A movie with a rating of 3.14 is a pirated movie
*my opponent smirks*
“All in.” he says.
*pair of aces*
*throws down a pair of Olsen twins*
If methane killed off the dinosaurs just imagine what I can do in an elevator.
Sorry I broke up with you via interpretive dance.
[being beat down with health, family, work issues]
Me: I will remain positive at all times
[my bagel sandwich falls on the floor]
Me: I am going to fire God