your stripper name is the first two words you see in a newspaper headline while on the phone with your wife pretending to be an old British woman so you can be her nanny and spend more time with your kids
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Politics is so confrontational now. I miss the old days, when we settled our differences with *raises glasses to look at history book* war
I’m 33 now. The age Jesus quit comedy and got into magic. I hope I reach the same number of followers.
I made a clone of myself to do the dishes, another to do the laundry, and another to do the cooking, but we’re all sitting on the couch watching tv.
I put my pants on just like the rest of you, when the popo tells me to.
I remember being a kid & excited whenever the doorbell would ring. Now when it rings, I drop to the floor & don’t move like its a bank heist
[bar]
me: oh god this is gonna sound weird but would you mind pretending to be my girlfriend when my friends turn up so they don’t think I’m a pathetic loser
wife: no
[touring our solar system]
alien: so they named all their planets after their gods?
guide: all but one
alien: what’s better than gods?
guide: *checks notes* dirt
ME: *posing nude for a painter*
GUY PAINTING MY HOUSE: please sir…I have a family.
[second date]
Me: so… is this your first police chase?
Shall i compare thee to a summers day? For thou maketh me sweaty and bloody irritable
There’s no gangsta way to pull on a push door
Great game to play with friends
I bet Santa has 3 lists now:
Naughty, nice, and people who’ve left him healthy snacks instead of cookies.
*undercover cop knocks* Hi fill out this survey to win a free IPad!
1. name
2. address
3. email
4. where are drugs
*mustache falls off*
I like how when we tell our kids that “this little piggy went to market” we pretend it was for apples and cheese.
My wedding will be open casket.
So wild that you can walk into any Walmart, open a Ouija Board in the game aisle, summon a Demon and then just leave.
The glittery vampire from Twilight is putting out an album.
In other news, real musicians continue to play for coins in the subway.
I should be able to preheat my bed like an oven
*hires 2 personal trainers and makes one of them train the other one*
The same mosquito kept biting me last night. He probably thought he was at a wine tasting event.
I’m sorry I snort-laughed when you were saying your vows.
Shakespeare: shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
Me: sure
Shakespeare: okay. summer’s day > you
The perfect tattoo doesn’t exi…
[Skype]
ME: Finally I see your face and wow.
HIM: [naked] Where are you?!
ME: Starbucks. Wanna meet a few friends? They like your tweets.
If you’re head of the CIA and can’t hide an extramarital affair it means it can’t
be done. Case closed, fellas.
If you were a tree you’d be a bonsai, and if you were mine you’d be dead by now.
Now kids have it easy. When I was young, the hot singles in my area had to walk the streets yelling they wanted sex with me thru a megaphone
I don’t get the objection to gays adopting.
Simba was adopted by two guys & I think everybody would agree he turned out to be quite badass.
Best way to stop the April Fools’ “I’m pregnant” jokes is replying with “I thought you put on some weight.”