if ur worried ur not gonna get a New Years Eve kiss just remember that Valentines Day is in 45 days n ur probably gonna b alone for that too

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Cashier: You’re the first person to not buy flowers or chocolates today.

Me: * looks down at burrito and donuts *

It’s still love though.


me: god I need a break from work

God: [creates pandemic]

me: not like that


ME: [forgetting the name of someone I went to school with for years] Hey… man!

ME: [watching GoT] That’s Randyll Tarly, Samwell’s father.


Just purchased one of those wigs that lawyers in England wear to put on when I have an argument with my wife.


Me: Sometimes I wish I wasn’t shy and introverted



*playing poker*
*my opponent smirks*
“All in.” he says.
*pair of aces*
*I smile*
*throws down a pair of Olsen twins*
“Full House.”


If methane killed off the dinosaurs just imagine what I can do in an elevator.


Sorry I broke up with you via interpretive dance.


[being beat down with health, family, work issues]

Me: I will remain positive at all times

[my bagel sandwich falls on the floor]

Me: I am going to fire God