If Usain Bolt ever becomes a zombie we are all screwed.
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Me: allow me to be a frank with you
You: ok but don’t you mean ‘be fra-‘
Me: [is suddenly a hotdog]
You: [is suddenly a hotdog]
Your french fries are just my french fries on the wrong plate.
The difference between a turtle and a tortoise is the tortoise chose to race a hare and the turtle became a Ninja.
You’d think I’d lose weight just from carrying around this extra 40 pounds wherever I go.
wife: im pregnant
me: what? im not ready to be a mother we still have petty arguments
wife: im the mother
me: this is what I’m talking about
Am I deceitful? Yes. I am not.
Every time my parents buy my kids a loud toy, I submit their phone number to a mortgage refinancing company.
My date was all ‘next time come to my place and I’ll cook you some food in my air fryer’ and I was like ‘lol sure and I’ll play you some songs on my air guitar’ and then she was like ‘I need to see other people’.
being in a hamock is so comfortabel bc it replicates our condition before birth: being caried to earth inside the beak of a giant pelican
So embarrassing when you compliment a lady on her large belly and it turns out she’s just pregnant.
I haven’t been to Target since February. I wonder how it’s even staying in business without me.
”This is my last chance” I whisper to myself, as we sit on the couch cuddling and I stare at that one slice of pizza left in the box
I believe in you. But I also believe in aliens, big foot, and werewolves so don’t get too excited.
my Face ID only recognizes me if I have a cookie in my mouth
“But you just went pee”
– A Family Vacation Memoir
Only 1 in 6 Americans can find Ukraine on a map…
Putin is fixing the issue
by just calling it all “Russia”.
My computer keeps giving me an error message saying “The Printer Can’t Be Found.” Uh buddy it’s RIGHT NEXT TO YOU, HELLO
I’m obsessed with you. Not like peak through your window obsesseHEY I LIKE THAT DRESS WEAR THAT ONE
My superpower is finding the one bathroom stall with no toilet paper.
commas are like garlic, you measure with your heart
I’m starting to suspect that maybe 2020 was not the reason for my problems.
Kale: i strengthen the immune system
Avocado: i’m a healthy fat
Quinoa: i provide fiber & protein
Deep Fried Twinkie: i cause diabetes
Me: six twinkies please
I was sitting in the public toilets when a guy in the cubicle next to me started smoking. Disgusting.
Nearly put me off my sandwich.
Hot air balloon operator: How long a ride do you want?
Me: Can we stay up for 12 to 18 months?
It’s interesting growing up and discovering that most adults are not that clever. I had my suspicions as a kid but I didn’t think the situation was this dire.
“Veggies?” The subway sandwich artist looks at me smugly. He knows I only want meat & cheese. He knows I fear the judgement of the line behind me. His hand hovers over the pale, wet lettuce. A bead of sweat drips down my forehead. The air between us crackles
These covid masks work wonders for us butterfaces.
if you ate peanuts out of those bowls on bars in the 80’s or 90’s you’re a little gross for doing that but you’re also immune to pretty much every virus or disease ever
I hate when people say, “Don’t worry about the things you can’t control.”
UMMMMM……HELLO!!
That’s exactly what I’m worried about!!
this kid in kindergarten used to make fun of me all the time, then one day I couldn’t take it anymore so I ate all of his crayons while he was watching. I was so happy when he cried but I kinda regret it cause I ended up losing my teaching job