Blood is thicker than water and a lot harder to clean off the walls.
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How to eat French fries:
1) Eat all the good ones.
2) Leave the yucky ones and feel superior.
3) Wait 5 minutes.
4) Eat all the yucky ones.
“May you have a long happy life together and never be killed by blunt force trauma caused by your spouse to collect insurance money.”
– Me, giving a wedding toast I did not properly prepare to give because I spent all my preparation time watching true crime shows
“Want me to help you with that tux?”
“No”
“Ok, suit yourself”
It’s going to be really hot over the next couple of days so please remember to leave out a wee bowl of cider & blackcurrant incase a goth comes into your garden.
SEXY POTATO: Hey buddy, my eyes are up here, and over here, and down here, and around here and
What did the little champagne bottle call his father?
Pop!
Jurassic Park came out 30 years ago, and now I feel like the fossil.
Husband: Trust is fundamental to marriage.
Me:
Husband:
Me: I’m still not letting you cut my hair.
Dentist: when was the last time you flossed?
Me: look, I only need you so they can identify my body should shit go down
Carrots cant float. But if you tie fishy wire to one and hang it in the air and look at it from far away, it almost look like its floating
ME: *walking through the park, minding my own business, carrying a small baggie full of poop*
YOU: Where’s your dog?
ME: Why do people keep asking me that?!
Having a tan is attractive. Having skin sponsored by Doritos isn’t.
Me eating a dish that took me 17 ingredients and 4 hours of my day to make: This is pretty good!
Me eating bread with butter: I would fight god for this.
accountant: do you have any dependents?
me: i’m illegally running several celebrity pet accounts on IG right now.
20s: There are three people? I’m not going to the party
40s: There are three people!! I’m not going to the party
I had to deal with the most impatient and rudest cashier.
I’m never using self-checkout again.
Ref: Call it in the air..
*flips coin*
Me: A QUARTER.
[Texting]
FRIEND: Hey, sorry I didn’t respond yesterday, just saw your text!ME: *Does not know a single person who is ever more than 6 feet from their phone* Haha, no worries, it happens!
Me: *puts six steaks on the grill*
Wife: Don’t you think that’s too much? It’s just us and the kids.
Me: Wait, you guys are eating, too?
Judge: How do you plead?
Me, trying to get on LegalZoom .com: sorry what’s the wifi password here?
HOW TO DISPOSE OF BATTERIES
– set them aside until you can look up how to dispose of batteries
– find them 3 months later
– look both ways
– slip them into the trash
My child’s math problem says that Lisa bought 5 loaves of bread that cost $0.25 each and 6 lbs of beef that cost $1.25 per pound and the only information I need is where does Lisa do her grocery shopping.
Sia’s full name is: “Sia…Wouldntwannabia.”
If a panda was coming after me to kill me I don’t think I’d even try to stop it. It would be an adorable death and my family would have a great story for decades.
I can’t believe the tasteless and offensive things some people tweet.
Seriously, I just saw a recipe for homemade mac n cheese.. they only used one kind of cheese😳 and they didn’t put the bread crumble on top!!
Me: Your honor, he’s not asking the witness any questions. He’s just reading Harry Potter to the jury.
Judge: Yeah, I’m gonna allow it.
Welcome to Flavourtown I’m Gouy Fieouri
You Can Either Verify Whether This Inspirational Story Is True Or Share It Now And Reap The Precious Social Capital
Pizza shop said they loved unusual requests so I asked if they could find my dad.
To the dude i just saw driving a beat up Ford mini van with spare tire and dream catcher on mirror: that dream catchers not working dude!