@markleggett

If vampires like the taste of blood so much they should floss.

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@Fred_Delicious

If Pokémon has taught me anything it’s that most of life’s problems can be solved by owning a rat that can electrocute people

@OrdinaryAlso

who started finding eggs and was like “it was probably a rabbit”

@daddydoubts

My kids teeth are harder than my forehead and no I would not like to elaborate.

@MattOswaltVA

couple beside me in restaurant are on a blind date; they both love dogs, sushi, and looking at Tinder while the other one is in the restroom

@pineapplepleas

Guys, I hate to tell ya this, but applied tiger balm liberally this morning and I’m still not a tiger.

@Shower4Thought

Babysitting is a way for teenagers to feel like adults while adults go out to feel like teenagers.

@BavlyOlwy

If you love something set it free,unless it’s a lion. Don’t do that.

@Darlainky

[Valentine’s Day]

Husband: These Reese’s hearts look weird. And why aren’t they wrapped?

Me: *flashback to carefully reshaping half-price Reese’s pumpkins into hearts* I guess they come like that now?

@TheBoydP

Guys, when she complains about something you didn’t do, tell her about the things you did do. That will make everything ok!

You’re welcome!