@markleggett

If vampires like the taste of blood so much they should floss.

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@KeetPotato

[my first day hosting shopping channel]
“for those of you who love coconut, boy do we have a product for you”
[holds up a coconut]

@copymama

*Starts cutting the chicken of the person next to me at a dinner party out of habit*

@ShrinkMedia

If I wake and then I bake, I pray The Lord for chocolate cake. Amen.

@JohnLyonTweets

I love a relaxing bath at the end of the work day but it makes the other people in the office uncomfortable.

@TheRolo

*Stands in wood & sets self on fire*

“OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING?”

I want to look hot on tinder.

@NYC_Blonde

I want my headstone to read “loving wife, evil dictator”.

@BuckyIsotope

Void?
Y E S F R I E N D
Why are you laughing?
A J O K E
Tell me?
W H Y D I D T H E M A N D I E A L O N E
I don’t get it
Y O U W I L L