Text from mom: How’s my baby girl?
Me: I’m moving back in.
Mom: Your room is ready.
Me: No, your uterus!
Mom: Steph you drink too much
If vid games answered back in real time they’d move lots more units
I DIED? BULLSHIT!
“Maybe if you didn’t suck..”
*slams x-box on floor*
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A firm handshake and a kiss on the neck is how I like to close my job interviews. Nailed it!
“Hi I’m looking for a birthday card for my mom’s sister”
*hands you an extremely small card*
“WHAT IS THIS A CARD FOR AUNTS”
Fool me once: Nice I wasn’t paying attention, good game.
Fool me twice: you know I smoke a lot of pot. This can’t be very challenging for you.
I once had an epileptic fit during my turn at a game of charades.
Everyone just kept yelling, “HOW MANY WORDS?” and “IS IT THE EXORCIST?”.
Is corn the only vegetable that’s better exploded?
One time I stepped on a sea urchin and I forgot all about the migraine I was having, so yeah, I’d say acupuncture is pretty effective.
When I was a kid I had a Giga Pet, and I shut off the sound at night so it wouldn’t wake me to eat. When I woke up, it was always either dead or hungry and drowning in its own shit.
So I’m just saying whoever thought it a good idea to give me kids was taking a huge leap of faith.
*all the Avengers line up to face Thanos*
THANOS: who’s the purple guy
IRON MAN: that’s Hawkeye
THOR: he shoots arrows
THANOS: like magical ones?
CAPTAIN AMERICA: *pauses* just regular ones
THANOS: I see
HAWKEYE: you guys know I can hear you right
If approached by a bear, you can play dead, or you can acknowledge the bear, say hello, and see what it needs. Have some decency