@CherBear162

If vid games answered back in real time they’d move lots more units

I DIED? BULLSHIT!

“Maybe if you didn’t suck..”

*slams x-box on floor*

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@77StephanieG77

Text from mom: How’s my baby girl?

Me: I’m moving back in.

Mom: Your room is ready.

Me: No, your uterus!

Mom: Steph you drink too much

@AGreaterMonster

A firm handshake and a kiss on the neck is how I like to close my job interviews. Nailed it!

@DanMentos

“Hi I’m looking for a birthday card for my mom’s sister”
*hands you an extremely small card*
“WHAT IS THIS A CARD FOR AUNTS”
Yes
“Perfect”

@AmnesiaRose

Fool me once: Nice I wasn’t paying attention, good game.

Fool me twice: you know I smoke a lot of pot. This can’t be very challenging for you.

@Diversion50

I once had an epileptic fit during my turn at a game of charades.

Everyone just kept yelling, “HOW MANY WORDS?” and “IS IT THE EXORCIST?”.

@stevevsninjas

One time I stepped on a sea urchin and I forgot all about the migraine I was having, so yeah, I’d say acupuncture is pretty effective.

@TheNYAMProject

When I was a kid I had a Giga Pet, and I shut off the sound at night so it wouldn’t wake me to eat. When I woke up, it was always either dead or hungry and drowning in its own shit.
So I’m just saying whoever thought it a good idea to give me kids was taking a huge leap of faith.

@BuckyIsotope

*all the Avengers line up to face Thanos*
THANOS: who’s the purple guy
IRON MAN: that’s Hawkeye
THANOS: oh
THOR: he shoots arrows
THANOS: like magical ones?
CAPTAIN AMERICA: *pauses* just regular ones
THANOS: I see
HAWKEYE: you guys know I can hear you right

@bridger_w

If approached by a bear, you can play dead, or you can acknowledge the bear, say hello, and see what it needs. Have some decency