@CherBear162

If vid games answered back in real time they’d move lots more units

I DIED? BULLSHIT!

“Maybe if you didn’t suck..”

*slams x-box on floor*

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@DanRather

If you’re happy and you know it… wash your hands.

@DaddyJew

Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
My kitchen now has a lake

– me trying to fill up my ice trays

@tweetsbyrocket

god: these are humans

angel: how do they work

god: [rubbing temples] not…not well…

@notnotscotty

on the toilet 15min: both legs asleep
in bed 3hrs: none of anything asleep

@Sarcasticsapien

I stay in shape by drinking lots of water during the day and exercising by walking to and from the bathroom forty times at night.

@rickygervais

The people who shout the loudest about their all powerful God protecting them & delivering them from any evil, also own a gun, just in case.

@hereholddeez

Neighbors of serial killers always describe them as “really nice” people.

Who else is a “really nice” neighbor?

Canada.

I’m just sayin’

@WilliamAder

My wife is visiting her mother this weekend, so the cat and I are smoking cigars and playing poker.

@amusedkerching

Sometimes I like to play God and just ignore everyone when they talk to me.

@secondofhername

Rule: If thou has a Macbook, thou shall always taketh photos of objects with the Macbook in the background.