If vid games answered back in real time they’d move lots more units


“Maybe if you didn’t suck..”

*slams x-box on floor*

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If you’re happy and you know it… wash your hands.


Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
My kitchen now has a lake

– me trying to fill up my ice trays


god: these are humans

angel: how do they work

god: [rubbing temples] not…not well…


on the toilet 15min: both legs asleep
in bed 3hrs: none of anything asleep


I stay in shape by drinking lots of water during the day and exercising by walking to and from the bathroom forty times at night.


The people who shout the loudest about their all powerful God protecting them & delivering them from any evil, also own a gun, just in case.


Neighbors of serial killers always describe them as “really nice” people.

Who else is a “really nice” neighbor?


I’m just sayin’


My wife is visiting her mother this weekend, so the cat and I are smoking cigars and playing poker.


Sometimes I like to play God and just ignore everyone when they talk to me.


Rule: If thou has a Macbook, thou shall always taketh photos of objects with the Macbook in the background.