Adulthood is like looking both sides before crossing the street and them getting hit by an airplane.
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[First target practice]
Son: I missed
Stormtrooper Dad: I know, I’m proud of you son.
I bet if Bruce Banner had children he’d be the Hulk more than 90% of the time.
Sometimes an person unexpectedly comes into your life, makes your heart race and has such an impact on your life.
Just didn’t want it to be a cop.
If I did the math right, 8 of you are serial killers and 1,246 of you are eating Nutella.
My kid asked for help with her report but if I did it for her she won’t learn! So I showed how to google, change name, & print on her own.
My wife makes us recycle everything.
*empties condom into sink*
“If you wanna be my lover, you gotta get with my Sven.” -Kristoff
There was romance over dinner last night.
Me to my husband: If we weren’t married, I’d marry you based on these potatoes.
PER MY LAST EMAIL
The definition of confidence: when you go to the toilet with 3 devices in your pocket.
TICKET AGENT: and will this be round trip?
FLAT EARTHER: here we go again
Gonna replace my friends’ hand sanitizer with lube and watch them rub their hands together for an hour while it doesn’t evaporate.
I was 14 on tumblr stressed af about net neutrality, I ain’t even know what the shit meant
Mary: I’m pregnant
Joseph: but how you’re a virgin
Mary: oh god
Joseph: okay makes sense
What will Tesla name their electric lawnmower?
E-Lawn
Was it because I listed you in my contacts as “Vacuum?”
Lies I tell at work:
~ I’m sorry I said that
~ I didn’t mean to offend you
~ It won’t happen again
~ Of course I don’t think you’re an idiot
Me: *turns on game
Wife: *turns on vacuum
Me: *turns volume to max
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Wife: *runs vacuum slowly in front of television
*first day as a lawyer*
Bailiff: All rise for the judge.
Me: *too lazy* Objection.
Celebrity divorce statements remind us of the names they gave their kids. “We want to focus on raising our children, Shoe and Turbo Pickle.”
Marries a mime. Lives quietly ever after.
If this doesn’t sum up England nothing will 😂😂 #snow #weather #uk
If you think you’re having a bad morning, my son is crying because his sock doesn’t feel right.
I just got really sad thinking about Voldemort trying to enjoy a nice day at the beach but his sunglasses won’t stay on his face
One night stands just make more sense for single people. Why would you need a night stand on both sides of the bed?
Attention!! To Whomever has my voodoo doll… I could really use a back rub.
Both sides are the wrong side of the bed when you don’t wanna get up
My daughter just asked me to go in a corn maze with her, and now she is telling me stories about serial killers, and if I don’t make it out she is definitely my favorite child and also probably the killer
I’m starting to suspect the cat knows more than she’s letting on but I’ll never know because she’s changed the passcode to get into her laboratory.
There’s a woman reading the bible on the tube. Fighting the urge to lean over to her and say “He dies at the end”.