@ArenaFlowers

If video games actually influenced behaviour you’d see a lot more people accidentally jumping in the air when they try to open doors.

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@OllyiConic

driving instructor: avoid the orange cones

student driver: there’s hundreds of them

instructor: [looks up] oh my god they found me

@Browtweaten

*First day as a boxing cornerman*

Me: So did you guys even try to talk this out first or what

@ItsAndyRyan

‘Space Jam’ never gets old – that’s because in the sterile environment of space fruit preserves don’t spoil. Hi, I’m Neil deGrasse Tyson.

@markleggett

A celebrity died? Better take this opportunity to tell everyone a very personal story about that one time you saw them eating falafel.

@TheCatWhisprer

I just want to be wealthy enough to not have my windshield wipers sound like a congregation of dying frogs.

@lovejulieacafe

People who give you their attention only when they’re lonely or bored…

No thank you.
I already have a cat.

@MumInBits

-phone call-

Me: I can’t stop eating
Friend: omg me too
M: I eat all the time
F: I’m always eating
M: I’m eating cheese now
F: I love cheese
Me: I want cereal
F: yes!
M: and cake
F: or a donut
M: yup
F:
M:
F:
M: anyway good to catch up
F: so good
M: take care
F: bye

@Crutnacker

Biden: Told Trump about Carter’s ghost in the West Wing

Obama: Carter is still alive

Biden: He doesn’t know that

@derekblackmon

Still laughing about that time my grandmother said God told her to put my grandfather in an asylum because he was hearing voices in his head

@RachelNoise

Based upon recent baking experience I have concluded that a loaf of bread should cost $75.