driving instructor: avoid the orange cones
student driver: there’s hundreds of them
instructor: [looks up] oh my god they found me
If video games actually influenced behaviour you’d see a lot more people accidentally jumping in the air when they try to open doors.
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*First day as a boxing cornerman*
Me: So did you guys even try to talk this out first or what
‘Space Jam’ never gets old – that’s because in the sterile environment of space fruit preserves don’t spoil. Hi, I’m Neil deGrasse Tyson.
A celebrity died? Better take this opportunity to tell everyone a very personal story about that one time you saw them eating falafel.
I just want to be wealthy enough to not have my windshield wipers sound like a congregation of dying frogs.
People who give you their attention only when they’re lonely or bored…
No thank you.
I already have a cat.
Me: I can’t stop eating
Friend: omg me too
M: I eat all the time
F: I’m always eating
M: I’m eating cheese now
F: I love cheese
Me: I want cereal
M: and cake
F: or a donut
M: anyway good to catch up
F: so good
M: take care
Biden: Told Trump about Carter’s ghost in the West Wing
Obama: Carter is still alive
Biden: He doesn’t know that
Still laughing about that time my grandmother said God told her to put my grandfather in an asylum because he was hearing voices in his head
Based upon recent baking experience I have concluded that a loaf of bread should cost $75.