If your neighbor has wind chimes, you have wind chimes.
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*runs thru a couple holding hands like it’s the finish line of a marathon.
FRIEND: Hey, how are you doing?
ME (who goes to a lot of concerts): Wooooo.
It’s a gaggle of geese, a murder of crows, a pod of whales and a thrift store of hipsters.
If HBO released all ten episodes of Game of Thrones at once, maybe I’d be able to remember the characters’ names from episode to episode.
guy who only knew jesus professionally: Honey, did you hear they CRUCIFIED our CARPENTER???
Teen, watching the halftime show: WOW. How old are these people?
Me: JUST LET ME HAVE THIS ONE THING WITHOUT RUINING IT FOR ME.
Bored?
Looking for some action?Call my parents and tell them you heard the price of stamps are going up again.
I think I was like 19 years old before I realized pirates had English accents
“I don’t know, sometimes I just wish there was a room you could sit in that made breathing harder.”
– inventor of the sauna
scoring in hockey: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5
scoring in baseball: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5
scoring in basketball: 2, 4, 6, 8, 10
scoring in tennis: love, 15, 30, 40, turkey sandwich, spider, 57, keanu reeves
My 3yo said Cheese is her favorite place. I don’t know if I should be worried that she thinks cheese is a place or sad because it’s not.
There are two wolves inside you, I don’t remember what you’re supposed to do with them but I DO remember they WILL NOT do that thing with peanut butter that dogs will.
It’s so funny when someone writes a song to try to get someone to have sex with them. That’s what a bird would do!
Die Hard led me to believe I’d experience more machine guns and high body count on Christmas Eve.
North Korea claiming they test fired a big rock at Russia.
Enrages me when I see guys using cute dogs to pick up chicks. It’s like, why did I have kids.
Robin: Well, I’m a terrible fighter. I get held hostage hella easy. I say “holy” literally about anything that happens
Batman: You’re hired
Fun Fact:
If you flick your wife’s nipple really hard while she’s sleeping, it’s extremely funny … for about 3 seconds.
I told my tween to exercise so he sat on the couch and told me he was exercising — his right to freedom. I was mad, mostly that I never thought of that one myself.
[pet store]
Me: your parrot called me a cracker.
Manager: maybe he was asking..
[from the back] TALK YOUR SHIT WHITE BOY *parrot whistle*
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
I see you people drinking from your water bottles without spilling or choking, flaunting your superiority in our faces like that
student loan “forgiveness?” so you admit. student loans are a sin.
The lady at McDonald’s gave me an extra pack of fries for free. I hope she is ok with the names I picked out for our children.
My parents kept me humble by having 6 kids and regularly forgetting my name
9 has decided to write a book called “True facts about idiot humans”
And I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t worried about her source of information
If you believe that no great story ever started with someone eating a salad, then you’re using the wrong kind of mushrooms.
[egg hatches and a duck billed platypus pops out]
Mummy duck:…
Daddy duck: WHAT THE ACTUAL FU
Otter: Clive, now, calm down, lemme explain.
Idris Elba should be the next Mr Bean
If someone gives you sad eyes, give them sadder eyes. You must win this.