If video games have taught me anything, it’s that you’ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss
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Why are they called bangs and not a hangover?
It’s so cute how all the free sandwiches in the fridge at work have little names.
“Don’t sit down and wait for the opportunities to come. Get up and make them.”
*sandwiches
Setting my alarm for April Fools day so I remember not to trust my loved ones, and finally have a reason for it.
satan: welcome to hell
me: this isn’t so bad..is this a library?
s: yup all you can read!
m: wow!
s: say, weren’t you paralyzed by indecision your entire life?
me, nervously: yes..why?
*satan gestures to shelves of nothing but “choose your own adventure” books*
m: aw hell
ME BEFORE HAVING TEENS: I like a good, crunchy apple
ME AFTER HAVING TEENS: Apples totally slap. Much cronch.
I’ve requested to be buried in a spring loaded casket filled with confetti so that a future archeologist will have one awesome day at work.
Let’s not forget the true meaning of Thanksgiving, the day Jesus chased all the turkeys out of the Temple.
So crazy to think that a group of ninjas could be fighting right next to me and I’d never know
Me: Haha hate it when I walk into a room and then forget what I came in for.
Executioner: Seriously these are your last words?
My uber driver hasnt said a word to me. He is a gift from god.
If they stole your tweet they probably need it more than you do.
@IGotsSmarts @funTweeters & wouldn’t it be crude to Jude if someone laid Law?
*storms onto stage*
WHERE IS IT
*crowd gasps*
WHERE IS THE OXYGEN
*crowd continues gasping*
Grocery store: “Instead of buying a bunch of basil you can buy this basil plant and then you’ll have months’ worth of dead basil plant.”
You know you’re a parent when solitary confinement sounds like a reward not a punishment.
This made me smile…
Me: *from downstairs* what’s it called when a word describes the sound something makes?
Her: it’s onomatopoeia.
Me: on what mat up there?
If Dracula bit my neck, KFC gravy would just come out
inventor: “i’ve made the most realistic sex doll in the world, ask it something”
me: “ok, um.. shall we go upstairs?”
doll: “i like you as a friend”
me:
inventor:
me: “do you have anything less realistic”
looking for someone who loves me as much as some people love standing up the second a plane lands.
*Job interview
Him: Any special achievements?
Me: Yeah, my tweet got published on BuzzFeed
H: Alright, you’re hired
M: Really?
H: No.
I hope I don’t ever have to provide an alibi because I’ll tell the truth but it will sound unbelievable, like: “At 4pm on Thursday? Oh that’s when I was posting a photo of an armadillo.”
If you text your boss that you can’t come in and include the poop emoji, he doesn’t ask any questions.
I hope my teeth enjoy these 3 minutes of minty freshness before their 8-hour coffee bath.
[first date]
I’m sorry, I fiddle when I get nervous
“That’s okay”
Yeah….
*jams out epic fiddle solo for the rest of the date*
sometimes, late at night, i’ll look up at the stars and wonder if you’re also stealing lawn furniture.
“Let’s take a couple dozen over-stimulated children and give them enough sugar to kill an elephant.” – inventor of the birthday party
My super power is being able to sing along to Pearl Jam without knowing a single word
Guys? How do you spell ‘in your window’? Like when someone is flirting inappropriately and is making sexual in your window?