If video games have taught me anything, it’s that you’ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss
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me: so.. you know how you sometimes misplace stuff
wife: where’s the baby
If pronouncing my b’s as v’s makes me sound Russian, then soviet.
Dentist: How often do you floss?
Me: Daily
Dentist: *Pulls fully grown centaur from between my 2nd and 3rd molars*
[Father’s Day]
ME: I got you this meat thermometer. Hopefully it works well…
DAD: Hopefully it works medium and rare too!
People say “you’ll ruin your appetite” like I have to be hungry to eat.
I just took an IQ test and apparently I’m a Libra?
What happens when you eat too many spaghettiOs?
You have a vowel movement.
I used to love pretending I was Captain America and flinging a garbage can lid at kids in the neighborhood. But then my wife made me stop.
When someone trying to leave me
Age 10: I want to be a baseball player
Age 20: I want to be a writer
Age 30: I want to be happy
Age 40: I want my toilet to flush
Twitter- Have you ever slept with a married man?
Me- Never, just ask my husband.
Yeah, sex is awesome. But have you ever put clothes on straight out of the dryer?
6YO said she’ll never be able to appreciate winter, cause snow on the bushes reminds her of cauliflower
someone very mysteriously dumped 3-400 pounds of pasta in the woods in old bridge, nj …… i need to know everything
Everybody is a kid of some decade, but “90’s kids” are the only ones who are annoying about it.
“No. Nope. Absolutely not. Nope. Incorrect. Wrong” – Neil deGrasse Tyson watching A Star is Born
ME: I’m off to that meeting
BOSS: Forget something?
M: Yes! [kisses boss gently on forehead]
B: I meant your pen [whispers] but thank you
Make your day better by imagining people you don’t like floating helplessly into the sun.
So that’s what we looked like?
2020: Tidepods ‘the sequel’
If we sneezed Windex instead of spit I bet my neighbors would be cool with me standing at their window.
[first day as a flight attendant]
Pilot: tell them we’re descending
Me: THE PLANE IS GOING DOWN
Pilot: wtf take it back they’ll panic
Me: WE ARE STAYING UP HERE FOREVER
Husband and I just heard a noise. Neither of us feels like investigating so we just said See ya on the other side.
Bite me again
– my bottom lip
They’re playing loud country music outside the liquor store.
Like that’s going to dissuade me.
My daughter was pretty pissed that someone called the cops, ending her party.
Whatever, I needed some sleep.
if I had a girlfriend I’d cook a giant scallion pancake in the shape of a poncho just to keep her warm
Don’t Photoshop them into your profile pic after the first date. That’s weird. Wait until the second one.
me: wHaT iS It DocToR
dr: you have a disease that makes you mock people
me: oH No Is iT CoNTaGiOuS
dr: oH No Is iT CoNTaGiOuS
Pronounces it worst shit sure sauce.