If video games really made people violent, I would be jumping on every turtle I saw.
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Me: Janet’s boyfriend reminds me of Gandhi
Wife: He looks nothing like him
Janet’s bf: [tapping on car window] Don’t forget about Gandhi
Australia is touted as a great model of gun control but no one mentions our unlimited access to boomerangs.
Driving past a cemetery on a reservation my dad said “you can’t be buried there, do you know why?”
Me: because I’m not Native American?
My dad: no because you’re still alive
Waiter: Are you finished?
ME: First of all, there’s still like 3 fries left.
I came home to a trail of bread leading to the bedroom & of course I followed, only to find my husband in bed with 10 ducks. I’m heartbroken
My generation acts like they invented podcasts but my mom has been leaving 40min voicemails since before the internet.
doctors don’t really need to hit you with that rubber hammer it’s just how they release a lil tension through the day
Let’s just say she wasn’t impressed when I picked her up in my go-kart.
The Hello Kitty exorcism kit includes my gullibility for being duped into buying her cute products again.
The flight attendant has said “..and one in the rear” 3 times now and I’m Paul. I’m 12 years old.
It might be time to diet when you ask Siri to call your ” boyfriend” and she dial’s up Domino’s pizza
If you disagree with someone, just slap them with a fish.
I’m not humiliating myself here for 3 likes. 5 maybe but not 3.
NASA : we were wrong , there ARE 9 planets in the Solar System
PLUTO: I’m back, baby!
NASA: because we found a new one!
PLUTO: SON OF A
Her: Do you kik?
Me: Like rocks?
Her: …….
to those of you shopping this week: please be polite and patient with shop assistants, it’s a stressful and busy time for them too 🙂
to those of you worshiping Satan this week: see you at the gathering in the woods, bring teeth 🙂
daughter: daddy! daddy! did you see how high i jumped?
me [eyes closed, blind folded, 3000 leagues under the sea in a deprivation chamber]: yes, wow that was so amazing!!!!
Always wrinkle-check your t-shirts
I’d like my parents to cheer for me for eating solid foods, taking steps, and sleeping thru the night now
I was tired of arguing with my 3yo about getting dressed for school, so I made a sticker chart. Now, we also argue about stickers.
[prison riot]
*standing over my origami ducks* “GO AROUND! GO AROUND!”
[opens GPS voice command]
FIND DOGS TO PET
Sign in the elevator: Please keep 6-foot distance.
Width of elevator: 5 feet.
Me: the refrigerator wasn’t built for this
Her: all the food?
Me: no this penguin
“Keep it in your pants!”
-Original marketing slogan for cargo shorts.
I’m like the mafia to my son.
He only contacts me when he wants money or protection.
“Well I guess I better get ready for work”
*gets out of bed*
“Ok I’m ready”
Casper is not only the friendliest, but the most emotionally available ghost. His life is an open boo.
I’ve been waxing my car for twenty years and I still don’t know karate.
I don’t have kids, but once I was on a plane next to a man and his young daughter, a first-time flier, and as she looked out the window and squealed with excitement, I found myself thinking about how differently things could have turned out if I’d gotten that window seat.