If video games taught me anything it’s that you don’t need to work because there’s precious gems just laying around everywhere.
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Me: Alexa, why can’t I ever get a guy to stick around?
Alexa: *shows a montage of me staring at my phone since 2010.
Lawyer: I’d like to introduce my star witness
Astronomer: Hello
Pregnancy test commercials would be a lot more relatable if the women in them cursed and cried.
If you have 6+ numbers after your name as part of your Twitter handle I can only assume you’re an inmate & tweeting from prison.
my son just asked me where do pizzas come from adn has yet to ask me where do babeys come from. thats my boy
[Murderer breaks into my house]
Murderer: “Alexa, play sinister music.”
pirate: walk the plank
someone’s dad: is this teak?
I thought I might be pregnant.
It turns out I’m just three months fat.
dating apps aren’t working so it’s time to look confused in a trader joe’s
They say kill ’em with kindness but it’s much quicker if you just take their phone charger away.
Amazon packaging #BlowsMyMind
*gets laser eye surgery*
“Thanks doc, so how do I activate them?”
I told you, that’s not what—
*i squint at him real hard but he’s right*
My mom regularly mentions that I was a large baby
I turn 25 in two weeks
Worth remembering.
Friend: I wish this candy bar had less calories.
Me: Let me see it…
*eats half and hands it back*
…wish granted.
Some mistakes you only make once, like sniffing your kids’ clothes to see if they’re dirty or clean
Ranch is mayonnaise with sprinkles.
People who like country: “I get it people don’t like country you can put whatever you want on”
People who don’t like country: “I swear if you put country on I will jump out of this moving vehicle run to the closest body of water and drown myself”
Succinctly put.
Always a bridesmaid, never the Brideslord, summoning the nation’s brides to war with a mighty blast of the brideshorn.
Before we get too excited about rising follower counts, it’s good to remember that people also stop to look at accidents.
I don’t really care who wins the elections as long as everyone had fun out there.
The girl who once told me “If I’m not married by the time I’m 30, kill me” got married recently at 29 and WHEW is that a load off my mind
I love how every airline is like “not to brag, but we actually clean the planes now.”
I do this weird thing where I feel fabulous then I have to get out of bed
I grounded my kid from electronics for a week and now he won’t stop talking to me and I think I’ve made a horrible mistake.
If you didn’t wanna hear “Baby smell is biology preventing the mom from eating it,” you shouldn’t have invited me to the baby shower, Carol!
God gives his worst wrapping skills to his strongest gift givers