If video games taught me anything it’s that you don’t need to work because there’s precious gems just laying around everywhere.
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A 6′-6″ guy doesn’t scare me, but my 5′-1″ wife does, if you were looking for inspiration to get married.
God: I shall call this a tiger
Me: *scratching ‘angry fire zebra’ off my sheet* yeah cool whatever
My son saw his medicine said shake well before using so he shook his whole body and damn that apple never even fell from the tree.
Genie: what is your first wish
Joe: i want to be rich
Genie: granted. and what is your second wish
Rich: i want lots of money
Oh, please… A few us get together, shave our heads, turn our property and money over to a charismatic leader, and SUDDENLY it’s a cult!
You go on cruises when you only want to experience other countries cultures for an hour and still have Budweiser and chicken fingers for dinner
Sorry dinner is so late, honey. I accidentally bought individually wrapped rice again.
My kid: look mumma this coin is really really old!
Also my kid: still younger than you though…
(to my date after each preview at a movie) the actual film will be much longer than that
Ladies, have you ever slept with a man because he has a big fish that he caught in his profile picture?
*tosses bath towel on hotel floor*
[text from wife at home]
“Pick that up.”
Can I go out and do drugs tonight dad?
EXCUSE ME?!
*sighs* MAY I go out and do drugs tonight dad
*snaps newspaper* that’s better
You, idiot magician: I’ve sawed a lady in half!
Me, brilliant English teacher: you’ve SEEN a lady in half
My sense of humor has been described as “please stop” and “you’re ruining dinner”
I just listened to an great session on “Designers and Gyaan” hosted by @dharmeshba. It provokes a lot of good questions. I can’t help but contrast this with academia. In academia, I get the teaching/speaking opportunities based on how well I “publish.” Many professionals, 1/n
ME: my car makes weird whispering noises…also the doors lock by themselves & blood comes out the CD player
MECHANIC: must be the spark plugs
Them: be yourself
Me: do you have any better advice
The fact that folks get so riled up over nudity but aren’t upset that anybody could be carrying a gun makes me want to shoot people.
I put on my husband’s deodorant and now I’m angry at the way I load the dishwasher.
Your baby’s got pink eye, bronchitis AND a double ear infection?
Are you even trying to keep him alive?
I don’t watch the news because anchors don’t shuffle papers anymore
You’re in his DMs, I’m outside his window with a JBL speaker streaming Taylor Swift.
*waving two guns around menacingly*
WHO TOOK BACK THEIR ‘LIKES’ FROM MY SELFIE
One time I waited 30 minutes for a bakery to open to get the best birthday party cupcakes. It was a Monday. The bakery was closed on Mondays.
I think about that a lot.
Dear GPS
If I knew which direction northeast was , we wouldn’t be having this conversation
Chivalry is just the study of green onions right?
Me:*spends 4hrs comparing gift prices on several sites to save $4*
Also Me: *spends $33 on pizza because I shopped too long to cook $6 chicken*
If you have a “Welcome” mat, but call the cops when you find me eating nachos on your couch in my underwear, you’re sending mixed signals
Stop fingering it and put it in your mouth is not the best choice of words when speaking to your teenager about her dinner..
I know this now
God created the orgasm so women can moan even when they’re happy.