If video games were truly to blame for violent acts drive by turtle flinging would be at an all time high.
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My girlfriend told me she needed a hip replacement. So I found a vegan yoga instructor that let’s me do whatever I want.
“Quinoa” sounds like something a ninja would say before kicking you.
Husband, “Aaaaannnd that completes my order.”
Tombstone Engraver, “Are you sure you want it spelled like this….Belovud wyfe, freind, and muther?”
Husband, “She can’t correct me now.”
[girl at a restaurant starts choking on her food]
me: [to the waitress] I’ll have what she’s having 😉
I’m just a girl, yodeling at the top of my lungs, until someone agrees to give me this latte for free.
I was drunk wrapping presents so if anyone gets my DNR bracelet I need it back.
me: “why tf does my back hurt??”
also me:
told my son how we used to wear basketball shorts under our jeans and he looked at me like i asked him the square root of something
I just realized how long ago 2008 was, and I’ve decided I don’t like time any more
My kid wanted to watch something scary, so I had her watch the cashier ring up our groceries.
I love how my dog hears me in the kitchen and runs in, as if expecting to magically see four hamburgers and a steak just laying on the ground.
Just beat Eminem 4000 straight times at musical chairs by playing “The Real Slim Shady” over and over.
God: let’s put berries on bushes
Angel: Yeah that will be easy food for humans
God: Make some poisonous
Angel: why
God: it’s like a game
*mom puts teen’s clean clothes at bottom of the stairs*
Mom meaning: Take up stairs, put away
Teen meaning: Obstacle course on the stairs!
*goes to church
I need all this water turned into wine. Thanks.
At my age, “getting lucky” means being able to find my car in the parking lot.
[ on trial ]
me, whispering to my criminal defense lawyer: do you think the judge thinks I’m cute?
judge: we can all hear you
me: then I’d like an answer to the question
i mainly don’t bother with botox or other injections because why pay a crapton of money to make me look like a slightly more rested version of my actual age when alcohol is cheap and makes me think i still have game
I think costco should be the next president of the united states
New York: The city that never sleeps.
Berlin: The city that never sleeps until Sunday.
Paris: The city that never sleeps alone.
My kid just told me that the 10/10 I got on an attractiveness scale is “just a totally random number and doesn’t actually mean anything”, if you’re in the market for an assassin.
Don’t believe what others say about you, they know nothing. For example, in 4th grade my teacher said I was going to grow up and be successful and she was wrong on both accounts
A poltergeist was moving furniture around the house, and I really love what he’s done with the place.
[Teaching pet elephant to wash the car]
ok Stompy fill your nose with water and spray it
*elephant crushes car*
why did I name you Stompy
Protip: If your coworker has a picture of herself and her dog labeled “Beauty and the Beast” you shouldn’t ask her which one is which.
Your smile is radiant. Close your MOUTH.
a fun game to play at the zoo is to walk hurriedly past a person and say “they’ve escaped. don’t run. just walk very fast.”
Son: Teach me to fight
Me: You don’t fight with these *makes fists* You fight with this *points to head*
[later]
Principal: Your son’s been head butting kids on the playground
Me: *nods sagely* Just as I taught him
8: “You know how Makayla and Abby are our cousins?”
Me: “Yeah”
8: “Did you know that WE’RE also THEIR cousins?!”
I’m from a family of polite kleptomaniacs.
I take after my dad.