@xLiserx

If video games were truly to blame for violent acts drive by turtle flinging would be at an all time high.

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@Man_wonders

Group- “Can believe Jesus just turned water into wine?!”

Me- *cutting up lines of table salt* “hey um, Jesus… soo can you do me a favor?”

@dafloydsta

[marriage counseling]

She thinks I make bad decisions.

“He stole a penguin from the zoo.”

YOU SAID YOU WANTED A BUTLER, KAREN.

@stillwondering1

Always the sasquatch in chains in the back of a pick up truck, never the bride.

@briangaar

[interrupts history professor] THAT HAPPENED ON MY BIRTHDAY

@AnniemuMary

My kids, writing negative political ads:

Mommy. She says Maybe but it is always going to be No.

Mommy. She says to eat fruit but she smells of chocolate.

Mommy. She says we don’t say those words but then she watches the news and she says all of them.

@Rollinintheseat

If you don’t call your spouse “wonderful” when you’re on a game show, you’re legally required to get a divorce at the end of the show.

@hobo_hands

Having swords for arms was a terrible first wish but it was a genie and I blurt weird things out when I panic.