If video games were truly to blame for violent acts drive by turtle flinging would be at an all time high.
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Them: So you weren’t being mean?? You are just an idiot?
Me:
Me: Is there a third option?
*snowstorm rolls through*
*work closes*
Me: “This is the greatest day of my life!”
*daycare closes*
Me: “I wish I was dead.”
doctor: im afraid u only have a few minutes left to live
me: [sobs] oh my god are u sure
doctor: [pulls out gun] im totally sure
I just clipped my little toe on patio furniture. Prayers needed for my husband who rearranged everything without telling me.
[attending a lecture on kleptomania]
Me: *taking notes*
Keynote speaker: please give me back my notes
How dare you incinerate that I don’t know big words.
Tiger Woods? Do u mean the jungle?
[Kid Training Headquarters]
Kid Boss: When you get home, you must take off your shoes and throw them as far away from each other as possible
Kid Trainee: But shouldn’t we keep them togeth—
Kid Boss: SILENCE, FOOL! YOUR GOAL IS FOR THEM TO END UP IN SEPARATE ROOMS
[Stick Insects Anonymous]
Group Leader: “There’s no easy way of saying this. But I believe one of you may be a plant.”
I borrowed $500 from a co-worker then paid a homeless guy $8 to kill him in a McDonald’s bathroom. I’m up $405 or whatever.
If elected I will pour out three fingers of scotch and fill the bottle back up with water so my dad doesn’t notice.
Yard reviews
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Amazing milkshakes”⭐☆☆☆☆
“Too many boys”
Did you know baby cuddlers are a thing in hospitals? What a great volunteer service, to love on newborn babies. All those new baby smells. I’d do it, but I think they search your purse on the way out.
restuarants need to start hanging up pictures of their bathrooms outside so i know what im getting before i walk in the damn place
I don’t like using the locker room at the gym cuz the guys always stare when they notice my gym bag is filled with lasagna
“I’m quite content on this side of the street, thank you.”
— No squirrel ever.
Subway sandwich employee said he wears the gloves “cuz the meat stings.”
PASTOR: and the lord said unto us—can u stop please? it’s very distracting
ME: [bouncing up & down on yoga ball] i don’t think he said that
[inventing napkin dispenser]
bob: it has two settings
ceo: ok
bob: one at a time
ceo: ok
bob: or 37 at a time
ceo: first of all i love it
Tweriod: That time of the month when all my tweets are moody, retain water and are about chocolate and cheesecake
They don’t seem to abduct humans like they used to; looks like we are not the only planet with government science-funding budget cuts. Sad.
This is the part of the job I really hate [goes to work]
You know in a video game when you kept pushing b to get through the talking part but later realized you should’ve read it? That’s adulthood.
Name an organ more dramatic than the uterus
Like, she doesn’t get a baby and she throws an absolute fit. Tearing everything down and throwing it out in the lawn so now it’s everyone’s problem 🙄
As a general rule of thumb, I avoid pinky promises.
me to my boyfriend: hey hey you you i don’t like your girlfriend
Burning bridges was a lot easier when 7 out of 10 people had lighters in their pockets.
“Oh Shit, Was That Today?” an autobiography
I put a message in a bottle and threw it in the Ocean. The note said “I have Tuberculosis and I coughed in this bottle”
Whoever put the ‘b’ in subtle was a clever bastard.