If Violets were Orange, poetry would be a lot more challenging.
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“Oh heyyy youuu. How are YOU doing? How’s your… stuff? I haven’t seen you in… time.”
-I say to the person I don’t remember.
Due to traffic, I didn’t show up on time for the start of my wife’s art opening and so for the rest of the evening she introduced me as her late husband.
I haven’t cleaned my shower in so long, it’s becoming a terrarium. Absolutely gorgeous.
Oh that’s not nicotine stains on my fingers. That’s mustard. I don’t smoke anything besides ham sandwiches.
If your dress suddenly turns into rags at midnight while you’re being driven home by a bunch of mice on a pumpkin, you’re not Cinderella, you’re drunk.
Hate your job as a calendar maker?Need a way to get fired? Easy.
( •_•)
( •_•)>⌐■-■
(⌐■_■)
Just take a day off
Wife: our daughter just said shit.
Me: oh no! what do we do?
Wife: obviously we can’t curse around the house anymore.
Me: [gasp] you think the house taught her that word?
In email they should change “Save As New” to “Ugh, I’ll Deal With That Later.”
*hates you so much replaces everything and everyone you love with a cat*
even if you already have a cat,
*replaces it with a worse cat*
“Which one is you?”
– My favorite response when someone shows me a selfie with other people in it.
[commercial]
Narrator: These are real people and not actors-Actor watching the commercial: *throws lamp at TV* WE’RE PEOPLE TOO!
7: what kind of ice cream is this? *Takes a bite*
Me: French Vanilla
7: mmm, you can really taste the Frenches
Interviewer: Is it true you are the first duck to be made a duke?
Duck: Please address me as ‘M’llard’
boss: you’re late
me: and you are not the father
When I die I want my funeral to be closed casket but like half way thru someone opens the lid and surprise – it’s a nacho bar inside
The cashier wasn’t impressed with my top hat, sash, and monocle until I said “Keep the change” from the $1 I gave him for my $0.95 purchase.
FOMO? No, I’ve got FOBI. Fear of being invited.
I love the compliments my boss gives like “wow you’re on time today” and “great job ignoring dress code again”.
Never ask a woman for a massage. She’ll do it for 5 minutes, then somehow trick you into giving her an hour-long one. WIZARDS.
Today, my 3 year-old yelled at me because I forgot to close the fridge, then reminded me to turn off the kitchen light.
He just needs to fall asleep during a movie and his transformation into me would be complete.
Kid at skatepark:
“Are you Tony Hawk?”
me: I am
him: “no you’re not”
me: ok, I’m not
him: “but are you, FOR REAL?”
me: I am, for real
him: I thought you’d look younger
me: ME TOO
The wife: I’m running away
Me: no you’re not
The wife: give me one good reason
Me: you hate running
{Invention of the boomerang}
HIM: I regret throwing away my favorite stic—omg, yay.
You know you’re getting old when your decision to sleep with someone is mostly based on the quality of their mattress and pillows.
If you’re gonna name your son after you, at least make it interesting. Like, instead of Junior, go with something like “Jeff 2: Revenge of the Jeff
JOKER: Why so serious
ME: Have you seen the news?
JOKER: Ok fair
babe wake up . a new draw your ship prompt just dropped
life: do your best
me: (doing my best)
life: no a different best
Mother in law: why do you grow so much sage? You don’t even cook with it.
Me: I burn it when you leave.
Since Hemsworth didn’t go for Thanos’s head, Avengers: Infinity War is a Chris miss movie.