If watching 80’s music videos has taught me anything, it’s that you don’t need talent if you have a fog machine.

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My attention span is shorter than donuts are better with sprinkles.


You said you were only adding your 2 cents but it seems more like your life savings.


Nine months from now we’ll have an adorable, pooping reminder of The Night the Internet Wasn’t Working.


Mercury is in retrograde for 20 more days. Don’t sign any contracts. Have sex with whoever you want to.


familiarity breeds contempt yes but honestly what doesn’t


When a cop opens the car door for you, promises you an overnighter and talks about bonding… you’re not on a date with him, you’re spending the night in jail.
I know this now.


Patients get nervous when I walk into surgery wearing my lucky cape but I didn’t go to medical school so I need all the luck I can get.


“I hate fake girls.” *a nearby girl’s coat busts open and four dogs tumble out*