@gobmentcheese

If watching 80’s music videos has taught me anything, it’s that you don’t need talent if you have a fog machine.

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@DurtMcHurtt

My attention span is shorter than donuts are better with sprinkles.

@neledmax

You said you were only adding your 2 cents but it seems more like your life savings.

@torrami

Nine months from now we’ll have an adorable, pooping reminder of The Night the Internet Wasn’t Working.

@poetastrologers

Mercury is in retrograde for 20 more days. Don’t sign any contracts. Have sex with whoever you want to.

@yonewt

familiarity breeds contempt yes but honestly what doesn’t

@OMGSoOverIt

When a cop opens the car door for you, promises you an overnighter and talks about bonding… you’re not on a date with him, you’re spending the night in jail.
I know this now.

@seandunn76

Patients get nervous when I walk into surgery wearing my lucky cape but I didn’t go to medical school so I need all the luck I can get.

@someofmybest

“I hate fake girls.” *a nearby girl’s coat busts open and four dogs tumble out*