If watching 80’s music videos has taught me anything, it’s that you don’t need talent if you have a fog machine.

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Cleaning out my handbag. Wondering if nine pens are enough.


me: Did you brush your teeth?
9: Yes
me *hands him a glass of orange juice*
9: Do I have to?
me: Yep. Told you not to touch my Cheetos


I like my women to ideally be size 14, but certainly no smaller than size 12.

What can I say, I really loves them big feet.


i would take so many bribes if i was a judge. half my shit would be bribes. take bribes from the criminals until theyre too poor to do crime


Given the American diet, don’t you think we’d have greater success locating missing children if we put their faces on liters of soda?


All my romantic tweets are just stuff the bum outside my building yells at me as I walk into work


Me: What’s the word for a female scientist?

Him: A scientist?

Me: No, a ‘ResearcHER,’ Haha get it?

Him: I get that we’re never going on a second date


I came across 3 snakes while mowing the yard today, but those of you in North America already know that because you heard me scream


partygoer: so your wife is a lifeguard

me: yep

partygoer: and you’re a tennis umpire

me: that’s right

partygoer: where did you two meet

me: tall chair store


One of the hardest parts of being a parent is discovering your 6 year old is better than you at every video game ever.