@gobmentcheese

If watching 80’s music videos has taught me anything, it’s that you don’t need talent if you have a fog machine.

You Might Also Like

@junejuly12

Cleaning out my handbag. Wondering if nine pens are enough.

@iwearaonesie

me: Did you brush your teeth?
9: Yes
me *hands him a glass of orange juice*
9: Do I have to?
me: Yep. Told you not to touch my Cheetos

@AllanForsyth

I like my women to ideally be size 14, but certainly no smaller than size 12.

What can I say, I really loves them big feet.

@dril

i would take so many bribes if i was a judge. half my shit would be bribes. take bribes from the criminals until theyre too poor to do crime

@KentWGraham

Given the American diet, don’t you think we’d have greater success locating missing children if we put their faces on liters of soda?

@DvuslyMarvelous

All my romantic tweets are just stuff the bum outside my building yells at me as I walk into work

@Angibangie

Me: What’s the word for a female scientist?

Him: A scientist?

Me: No, a ‘ResearcHER,’ Haha get it?

Him: I get that we’re never going on a second date

@TheRealRHB

I came across 3 snakes while mowing the yard today, but those of you in North America already know that because you heard me scream

@TweetPotato314

partygoer: so your wife is a lifeguard

me: yep

partygoer: and you’re a tennis umpire

me: that’s right

partygoer: where did you two meet

me: tall chair store

@clarkekant

One of the hardest parts of being a parent is discovering your 6 year old is better than you at every video game ever.