If watching 80’s music videos has taught me anything, it’s that you don’t need talent if you have a fog machine.
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People who use any other buttons on your microwave besides 30 Seconds default one, explain yourselves!
How’s virtual school going for you? I’ll start.
My son was late to his PE class because he was making nachos.
Untitled Goose Monstress
Lol jk of course her name is Megoosa
“I’m taking condiments in a bold new direction” I whisper as I squeeze a tube of toothpaste on my hot dog. The dentists all cheer for me.
Bad enough that literally no one showed up for my Super Bowl party today, but now I can’t even find the game on tv to watch.
*on death bed*
priest: any regrets my child?
*montage of every time i saw a large dog and didn’t try to ride it*
me: uhhhhh
The bad part of being a human raised by wolves is at the family reunions, when everyone else is talking about the biggest animal they took down and then you tell them about your twitter account.
Me, bewildered: “What is this odd thingy?”
H: It’s called a wine stopper.
Me, whisper cries: “Why would anyone want to stop the wine?”
Nobody:
Baby Carrot Factory Foreman: “Carrots are nice, but how about we pour a cup of water into each bag too?”
Therapist: U need some tools to cope with ur anger
Me: Like a sledgehammer?
T: No. More like breathing-
M: Fire? Can u make me breathe fire?
my 80yr/o grandma is on facebook & she is a living click-bait article, she didn’t even tell me what to do with it
4 out of 5 dead husbands agree that last casserole tasted really strange.
Since I moved into my house, my parents do this thing where they come over so my dad can work on a project but he always forgets a tool he needs so they just drink my beer instead.
i’m teaching my toddler that cauliflower is “frightened broccoli” and there is nothing you can do about it
richard dawkins got owned again. when will this man learn
The British are coming! Get ready! Oh wait they’re coming by boat. We have like three months
Dr: Have you been exercising?
Me: I’ll take blatant lies for $200, Alex
SHOUT OUT TO ALL THE PREGNANT LADIES GETTING READY FOR THE BIG WEEKEND COMING UP !!!
#labordayweekend
Being married for years I thought I knew intimacy…that was until today when my eye dr. decided to sing “dust in the wind” right into my eyeballs
If I got a nickel when someone called me an old soul,
I could buy a hot dog, french fries, a large coke, fill up my gas tank and still have enough left over to get a ticket to the baseball game
[wife drops me at the airport]
Wife: have a safe flight
Me: I have no say in the matter
Wife [already driving off]: die then
I got my followers the old fashioned way – with tranquilizer darts.
lawyer: I haven’t won a case since last year’s hearing loss.
me: what was the hearing for?
lawyer: WHAT?
me: the hearing.
lawyer: WHAT?
Carrots are a great thing to eat when you are hungry and want to stay that way.
Show someone you love them today by rearranging the apps on their phone.
gonna mess with my husband by texting “send nudes” when he’s in a work meeting
Traditional marriage was between a boy’s parents and a girl’s parents. And maybe some cattle.
wife: know what today is?
me: yep
wife: on 2
together: 1, 2
wife: Happy Anniver..
me: 3 MONTHS UNTIL..
wife:..sary
me:
wife:
me: ..Santa
Hey people who emphasize words that end in an E by stretching out that E instead of the vowel that *actually* creates the proper emphasis: I hateeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee you.
Passing by a group of ladies:
*conversation stops*
Walking back by:
*conversation stops*Me *giddy* I take their breath away!