@kumailn
@LizerReal
*Making friends at the playground*
My 6yo: How old are you?
Other kid: I’m 13. What about you?
6yo: Oh I’m almost 13 – I’m 6.
My 4yo: *casually* I’m 15.
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@LizerReal
@VisionBored1
The real criminals are the recipes that suggest using apple sauce instead of butter
@UncleDuke1969
They say that blondes are dumb, but I’ve gotten a brunette to marry me too.
@XplodingUnicorn
Me: That guy is a bad apple.
6-year-old: He’s a person.
Me: I just meant he’s mean.
6: Probably because you called him an apple.
@LoveNLunchmeat
What’s a good wedding gift that says “Congratulations!” but also subtly says “I really liked your first wife better”?
@rachelmillman
if you ever want to witness an Oscar worthy performance, ask any person from twitter their follower count and watch them pretend to not know
@GHlACCIO
oh you’re rich? name every number on your credit card.
@BadLionGold
I’m ready for the kind of love that sweeps you off your feet ❤️🖕❤️
@sannewman
Writing tip: Give your characters different names. If all your characters are named “Nathan”, readers will become confused.