A dead goose is called a ghoost
If Watergate happened today it would be called Watergategate.
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I’m starting a sarcasm club. It would mean the world to me if you joined.
Wife just changed her Facebook status to “It’s complicated.” Better go see what she wants.
*does hair and makeup*
*drives to the gym, takes selfie*
“I’m in the best shape of my life!” -Newborn baby
it is my belief that rhinos and hippos are husband and wife
just remember before you let yourself get riled up over The Grammys.. Who Let The Dogs Out won a grammy
Me: Man I wish COVID 19 wasn’t trending anymore
*Monkey’s paw finger curls up*
Got home late to a note that said “Wake me up for sex”, which I stared at for 10 mins before realizing it was my own handwriting.
Think you know guilt?
*takes long drag on cigarette*
I’m the wildebeest who killed Mufasa.
I hear Simba’s screams every night.