@kumailn

If Watergate happened today it would be called Watergategate.

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@LizerReal

*Making friends at the playground*

My 6yo: How old are you?

Other kid: I’m 13. What about you?

6yo: Oh I’m almost 13 – I’m 6.

My 4yo: *casually* I’m 15.

@VisionBored1

The real criminals are the recipes that suggest using apple sauce instead of butter

@UncleDuke1969

They say that blondes are dumb, but I’ve gotten a brunette to marry me too.

@XplodingUnicorn

Me: That guy is a bad apple.

6-year-old: He’s a person.

Me: I just meant he’s mean.

6: Probably because you called him an apple.

@LoveNLunchmeat

What’s a good wedding gift that says “Congratulations!” but also subtly says “I really liked your first wife better”?

@rachelmillman

if you ever want to witness an Oscar worthy performance, ask any person from twitter their follower count and watch them pretend to not know

@GHlACCIO

oh you’re rich? name every number on your credit card.

@BadLionGold

I’m ready for the kind of love that sweeps you off your feet ❤️🖕❤️

@sannewman

Writing tip: Give your characters different names. If all your characters are named “Nathan”, readers will become confused.