*Making friends at the playground*
My 6yo: How old are you?
Other kid: I’m 13. What about you?
6yo: Oh I’m almost 13 – I’m 6.
My 4yo: *casually* I’m 15.
If Watergate happened today it would be called Watergategate.
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The real criminals are the recipes that suggest using apple sauce instead of butter
They say that blondes are dumb, but I’ve gotten a brunette to marry me too.
Me: That guy is a bad apple.
6-year-old: He’s a person.
Me: I just meant he’s mean.
6: Probably because you called him an apple.
What’s a good wedding gift that says “Congratulations!” but also subtly says “I really liked your first wife better”?
if you ever want to witness an Oscar worthy performance, ask any person from twitter their follower count and watch them pretend to not know
oh you’re rich? name every number on your credit card.
I’m ready for the kind of love that sweeps you off your feet ❤️🖕❤️
Writing tip: Give your characters different names. If all your characters are named “Nathan”, readers will become confused.