@kumailn

If Watergate happened today it would be called Watergategate.

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@DouchyDocLove

Wife just changed her Facebook status to “It’s complicated.” Better go see what she wants.

@joci2203

*does hair and makeup*

*drives to the gym, takes selfie*

*leaves*

@donni

“I’m in the best shape of my life!” -Newborn baby

@rinbcage

it is my belief that rhinos and hippos are husband and wife

@DrewsThatDude

just remember before you let yourself get riled up over The Grammys.. Who Let The Dogs Out won a grammy

@PoodleSnarf

*Last week*
Me: Man I wish COVID 19 wasn’t trending anymore

*Monkey’s paw finger curls up*

@LosLos__

Got home late to a note that said “Wake me up for sex”, which I stared at for 10 mins before realizing it was my own handwriting.

@flashember

Think you know guilt?

*takes long drag on cigarette*

I’m the wildebeest who killed Mufasa.

*exhales*

I hear Simba’s screams every night.