If watermelon exist why doesn’t earthmelon,firemelon and airmelon? The elemelons.
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My mother doesn’t believe in expiration dates, she’s on day 3 of believing in food poisoning.
If you watch the movie Twister backwards it’s the story of friendly tornados saving lives, rebuilding destroyed towns and playing with cows.
One of my sons says he likes my new haircut, and the other will have to twirl a sign outside a Mattress Firm to pay for college, I guess.
Cats throw up a lot, so when choosing your pet’s food, I recommend something that matches the carpet.
#caturday
I’m just saying, no dog has ever ghosted me
I would explain it to you but I’m all out of puppets and crayons.
I identify as a McDonald’s ice-cream machine because I go down when you really want me.
Hates everyone who has a cooler birthstone than mine.
Can’t, going through the work email I just wrote with a fine tooth comb to eliminate all traces of sarcasm, opinionation, and existential despair.
How to test a responsive website for various screen sizes via @aghoshb
Guy: who was that?
Me: it was an automated call reminding me to vote
Guy: uh huh. How’d he get your number?
Me: Oh hey I should watch this movie
Netflix: Actually you watched 27 minutes of it 3 years ago so you’ll probably want to pick up where you left off
Why did Star Wars Episodes 4, 5 & 6 come out before 1,2 & 3?
Because in charge of directing, Yoda was.
[a gorilla is using sign language to try to tell me something]
Me [eating a banana]: I’m sorry I don’t understand
Twitter is an abusement park.
neighbor complimenting my jack-o-lantern: wow is that hand carved?
me: *wiggling my fingers* haha no it’s real.
Easy come, Bismillah!
easy go, No, we
will you let will not let
me go? you go
*shows up to date with horse drawn carriage*
“I’m so surprised!”
Yes it’s a terrible drawing of a carriage but he didn’t have thumbs so
January 2020: New year, new me.
May 2020: *primal scream*
I will never forget when my mom tried to use her cancer to get my sisters boyfriend of 7 years to propose by saying “don’t make me go to my oldest daughters wedding bald Steve” and he looked this woman dead in the eyes and responded “they make really good wigs now, Joan” ruthless
Unpopular opinion but siren songs low key kinda slap
ⓘ 𝗧𝗵𝗶𝘀 𝘂𝘀𝗲𝗿 𝗶𝘀 𝗹𝗼𝘀𝘁 𝗮𝘁 𝘀𝗲𝗮
publisher: how do you expect me to sell a book where you spend three chapters describing a doorknob?
jrr tolkien: it’s an important doorknob
Been getting better gas mileage since I decided to turn off my car when I’m crying alone in parking lots.
Vin Diesel’s real first name is Vehicle Identification Number.
“You need to chill out, you’ve yelled at everything that isn’t a snack.”
–my 10 year old
New York: The city that never sleeps.
Berlin: The city that never sleeps until Sunday.
Paris: The city that never sleeps alone.
Wife: You’re so predictable
Me: Yeah? I bet u didn’t see this coming
*I go to throw water on her but shes already wearing a poncho*
Me: Damn
ME: with the vaccines coming i’m feeling hopeful
HER: yeah life might go back to the way it was
ME: ok now i’m bummed again