If we add two more rings to plastic six-pack containers and throw them in the ocean the Octopus community can finally bust down on crime because now they’ll have adequate handcuffs.
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I won’t say I neglect my appearance but I will say I just shaved my legs at my desk after wearing a skirt to work.
When a man gets married he has a moral obligation to scare his wife when he sneezes.
I don’t get laid on Saturdays. The last two words were unnecessary.
Sorry I can’t help you move, my hands are in permanent air quotes
My grandfather built his house with his bare hands.
I just groaned after I put my shoes on because now I have to tie them.
My work day –
8:00-11:30 – wonder what I’ll eat for lunch today
11:30 – 12:00 – eat lunch
12:00 – 4:30 – Damn lunch was good.
dog owners: their name is buddy
cat owners: their name is cool ranch dorito
CHRISTMAS FACT:
Baby Jesus actually received two blocks of gold on his birth, making him the first child in history to have an Au pair.
[Games store]
ME: Do you sell chess sets?
SALES ASSISTANT: I’ll check mate.
I don’t mean to brag but most people double lock their door after I leave
HI?
“The test results came back positive. You have only able to speak in state abbreviations disease”
ME?
“yes”
OH
“sorry it’s permanent”
OK
I’ve got chicken fingers and a McRib, a few more parts and my monster will be complete.
[when we’re a quarter of the way there]
Bon Jovi: OOOOOOOOOH WE-
Me: not yet Bon Jovi
“How can I help you?
Hi I’d like a root canal
“Are you a patient here?”
No
“Who referred you to us?”
No one
“Ok then why-”
I have a Groupon
Unexpected Judgment
2016: No way will Trump win the election
2017: No way will President Trump fire all those nukes
2018: No way we’re doing what those Apes say
i trust babies a lot because i can throw them pretty far
Daughter:What’s a whore?
Me:Not now.
Daughter I’ll ask my aunt.
Me:You’re getting warm.
Daughter:Mom will know.
Me: You’re on fire!
Me: I’m going to poop
Dog: Great I’m coming with you
“To hell with it, thats good enough.” – every person after theyve ever tried to iron a shirt. Ever.
It’s so funny when someone writes a song to try to get someone to have sex with them. That’s what a bird would do!
The older I get, the less ‘life in prison’ becomes a deterrent.
me: can we please find out when we’ll be getting results
my english teacher: may
me: sorry, may we please find out when we’ll be getting results
my english teacher: no i mean the month
Fool me once shame on you
Fool me 307 times you must be a suitcase on the baggage carousel that looks like mine.
Asking all my friends for advice until I find one stupid enough to agree with the dumb thing I already did.
Low fat tortilla chips and lite salsa?
That’s not what was meant by the words “skinny dipping.”
if u disregard the teeth, shark attacks are actually kinda cute
The seven new planets cause havoc with your readings. There is nothing but chaos and pain and, for some reason, hot singles in your area.
I talk a lot of shit for someone who has to let out a Karate yell in order to stand up from tying their shoes.
me: the grinch robbed me! I woke up to iron my christmas jeans—
whoville 911: what was that
me: the grinch robbed me
whoville 911: no the weird part