If we aint learned anything else this month. If there’s someone special in your life, tell them you love them, because you never know when the feds are going to indict them and execute a search warrant on their home.
You Might Also Like
When I was a kid I remember passing a sign that said “littering 300 fine”
I read that as it was ok to litter after 3 o’clock
In the street today, an unattractive woman asked for my number, so I gave her a fake. Still feel a bit guilty, as I’d just totaled her car.
12: Can I have $20?
Me: I think you mean borrow
12: I don’t think that’s what I mean
You can spend five minutes trying to fish the egg shell out of the pancake batter, or, and hear me out, you can leave it and tell your kids it’s good luck to get the pancake with the eggshell
Never sell a golf club on Facebook to someone from East Kilbride!
I can’t believe it’s so cold I have to wear gloves inside. I mean I’m not even robbing anything or trying not to leave fingerprints
Yesterday I fell, landed on my back, and could not roll over and get up. At the time I was wearing a Turtleneck Sweater.
I gave up my ambition to be a wizard after I accidentally turned a frog into a corporate advertising executive.
I have a great story to tell u.
“Why don’t u just go write a book”
Wow, that’s-
“Don’t u dare say it-”
a novel idea.
“I’m moving out”
Him: [handing me $20] here’s your Christmas present
Me: thanks [handing it back] here’s yours
Coffee cause nowadays there’s just too many cameras in the world to get away with anything.
do you think when Lightning McQueen threw the Piston cup to drive The King over the finish line a Honda Civic somewhere was destroying his living room after losing $10,000 on his parlay
I never pray harder than when I’m trying on a new pair of skinny jeans.
Wanna come over? I have pizza and toilet paper
I just said “Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary. Bloody Mary” to the mirror hoping that I’d have someone new to talk to
I can understand why chickens wake up and scream
Women out here dating guys with three felonies
but being a sagittarius is too much of a red flag.
When I was a little kid, I used to think “this little pig went to market,” meant it was going shopping!
I just don’t understand pedophiles, kids are SO annoying.
my old drug dealer from college texted me today asking if i wanted to buy. i’m sorry, sir, i do adult drugs now not college drugs.
If my girl didn’t want me to wear her new Christmas thong, she shouldn’t have said she bought it “for me.”
Women are confusing.
I’ll judge you by the way you treat people.
Also by your music and book preferences, but mostly the first thing.
Bought a snake just so I wouldn’t waste the name ‘Hisstopher’.
[wife putting groceries away]
“where’s the bread?”
i got mugged
“specifically for bread?”
[cuts to me feeding a duck i hide in the shed]
yes
“Sorry about this, but I ran out of allergy medicine and it’s spring,” I say to the frightened pharmacy clerk through my hazmat suit.
woke up on the wrong side of the jed today
Did you ever wonder what happened to He-Man to make him get bangs?
as a teen: secretly drinking in the park with friends.
as an adult: secretly drinking in the park with squirrels.
waitress: and for you?
me: egg
waitress: what does that mean sweetie, can you be more specific
me, carefully cupping my hands into a small oval shape: egg