If we all winked, laughed out loud, stuck out our tongues and blew kisses in real life as much as we do in texts…it would be very creepy.
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Looking at his shirt, it’s hardly a surprise.
the hottest people have the worst stomach problems
No one:
My 6YO daughter: Mom had three cocks today.
(I had three cokes and she needs to work on her reading)
If you want to romance me, take me to a nice restaurant with good climate control, but not too fancy. I want to wear my jeans and sneakers. Ok just take me to McDonald’s. It’s my second home.
My sons preschool class had to make a collage depicting family traditions. When asked about his family tradition my kid told his teachers it was “watching tv”
For a goddamn liar he really dropped the ball on this one.
How to change a baby:
1. Swap it out with a Labrador pup when no one’s looking
There’s a lot I don’t know about Christianity
“evreytime god closes a door, he opens a window” – me, tryimg to convince my clients their house isnt haunted
I love Trader Joe’s but really wish they had parking lots instead of parking littles
Why are people scared of flying?! The Earth is a giant spaceship with no pilots. That’s way scarier.
kissing is all fun and games until a boy inhales your skeleton through your mouth & uses it to build a house for some other girl
Facebook’s targeted ads think I have a cat.
I don’t, but I visited a friend with one and talked about it out loud.
The most powerful spy software in the world is trying to sell me kitty litter.
Skynet is here and it’s lame as hell.
Clerk: Sir this is an awful lot of cheese for one person.
Me: What?
C: You should be ashamed of yourself, panic buying is not the answer.
M: Panic buying? Um, what are you talking about, 7 blocks of cheese is a normal week for me.
C:
M:
C: Have a nice day
ME: *gives single fried shrimp to a blackjack dealer* one gambling please
For my morning walk, I’m not blasting music into my brain. You are not going to hear anything more lovely them the way the birds sound today and also I can’t get my earbuds to work.
Walks you into the bedroom.
Stands you up straight against the wall.
*you notice the sign that says “You must be this tall to ride this guy”
The girl across from me is on the phone to her boyfriend. I regret nodding when she told him she looked terrible.
“Smell ya later”
-me, to my asparagus
Jo, lean
Jo, lean
Jo, lean
Jo, LEAN!*our canoe tips over*
I come from a long line of successful people.
I decided to stop that tradition.
Wife to 4yo: How did you get your shirt so dirty?!
4yo: Because lunch.
therapist: now, once again, stress balls are for …….
me: (sighs heavily)
stress balls are for squeezing, not throwing at people when I’m stressed
🤣😂🤣
Not to jinx this, but last time there was a highly anticipated London wedding on TV, the groom said Rachel’s name instead.
[mocking jay part 2]
jay: come on guys please stop
If my dog had a catchphrase it would be, “I came as soon as I heard! What do you need me to eat??”
Life is like a bear, play dead and it will leave you alone.
[being murdered]
Me: omg barry? from high school?
Barry: no way {stab} dave?
Me: this isn’t cuz of some high school thing is it?
Barry: oh nonono {stabstabstab} you were great. {stab} this is just a thing i do now
Me: k good {still being stabbed} you had me worried for a sec
[Charlie Brown running up and just booting Hey Arnold in the head]
I’m dressing up as a public radio station for Halloween so my parents will support me again.