If we all winked, laughed out loud, stuck out our tongues and blew kisses in real life as much as we do in texts…it would be very creepy.
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How does a hippie polygamist count his wives?
1. Mrs. Hippie 2. Mrs. Hippie 3. Mrs. Hippie 4. Mrs. Hippie
I shutter to think of all the things my neighbors have seen me do through their blinds.
my high school crush made me a mixtape and on the inner lining wrote “date?” and I didn’t see it until TWO YEARS LATER when he already had a serious girlfriend and tbh I’m still upset about it
Therapist: So you had another breakthrough?
Kool-Aid Man: Look I am so sorry we were making so much progress
Going to sleep: It’s so cold in here, I’m totally wearing these socks to bed
Middle of the night: GET THESE DEVIL FOOT GLOVES OFF ME
guy creating teenage mutant ninja turtles: so theyre teens, theyre turtles, whats something only the coolest teens do?
co-worker with a ponytail: karate
Before Batgirl can become Batwoman she has to have a Batmitzvah.
Every time you reply to a text from your ex, Taylor Swift completes another album.
Don’t be an enabler. Drop the phone.
“I just talk a lot when I’m nervous.”
-Narrator: In reality, she talked a lot, all the time.
“What’s up?” asked the guy with literally no sense of direction.
[pearly gates]
ANGEL: bad jokes are not allowed in heaven
ME: ok
ANGEL: that means absolutely no puns
ME: abSOULutely
*clouds turn to fire*
Thanks, I wrote the tweet. There’s no need to reiterate it back to me with quotation marks.
Just right now my only wish is for everyone to go to bed so I can eat my secret second dinner.
[taking communion at church]
I’m a recovering alcoholic do you have any actual blood?
GalileoGalileo, Galileo Galileo, Galileo Figaro
The guy next to me on the plane turned his kindle off every time I tried to see what he was reading and I think that’s really rude.
4-year-old: Why do robbers steal money?
Me: So they can buy stuff.
4: Why don’t they just steal the stuff?
She’s a criminal mastermind.
You know Santa isn’t real because no man over 40 is out past 9PM.
If you wear your old prom dress to the pharmacy, they’ll fill your antidepressants faster.
Attempted to have a bath. I am 6’2″. The bathtub most certainly is not. I looked like a praying mantis trying to take a nap in an iPod dock.
*runs away from it all*
*runs back*
*grabs phone charger*
*runs away from it all again*
My garden has produced some sick beets, some smashing pumpkins and some red hot chili peppers.
We go on tour in the fall.
Me: one taco without strawberries
Taco Bell guy: strawberries?
Me: no thank you
*travels to Tibet*
*scales Mount Makalu*
*finds sacred Guru on the summit*Guru: We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty.
When a guy shaves his head bald and wears a sweatband, the top of his head looks like a stick of roll-on deodorant.
bank robber: *fires gun* everyone be cool this is a robbery
banker: *pops collar of leather jacket, takes long drag of cigarette*
bank robber: *points gun* not that cool
My child will plan a thousand activities for after school then come home and sit in her pants watching cartoons for hours instead so I guess the apple really doesn’t fall far from the tree
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH:
Here we see the weakest of the herd in its natural habitat.
[camera pans to me laying in bed eating cake]
“Do not look that up on urban dictionary,” is a nice way of saying “ready the eyeball bleach, because I know you’re gonna.”
Neighbor was watering her plants as if they owed her money like how would YOU like to be waterboarded lady