@Mr_Kapowski

If we are in fact living in a computer simulation, I wish the 11 year old running my account would send me to the gym more often

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@nattylumpo88

Mix it up a little. Text a random phone number the following msg:
“The fat one won’t fit into the woodchipper. What do you want me to do?”

@daemonic3

Are you there God? It’s me, Margaret.

YES MY CHILD

Great! Amway is the largest multi-level marketing company worldwide. Our products range

@3sunzzz

My husband and I are having a Fitbit competition, so every day when he leaves for work I attach mine to our dog. I’m averaging 25,438 steps a day.

@SardonicTart

[In meeting]

Boss: any comments?
Me: I wish I was drunk right now.

@ArfMeasures

ME: I wish I had a TV camera I can look at in opportune moments

GENIE: um ok

ME: I wish everyone was gullible

GENIE: Done

ME: And I wish for updog

GENIE: What’s updog?

ME: *looks at camera*

@vladchoc

Your first instinct is gonna to be to spell “leopard” and “deaf” correctly. You’re going to want to resist that. – Best band manager ever.

@CrisMtzgr

I asked the Librarian if she had any books about Paranoia?
She leaned over and whispered “they’re right behind you … ”.

@_steamy_mac

Boss: You’ve been late for work every single day this year.
Me: *high five

@xLiserx

{4 turtles are stuck on their backs.}
Cop: What’s going on here?
Me: Snow angel contest for free pizza.
Cop: …Who’s winning?
Me: Shredder.

@primawesome

Please stay on the line. Your call is important to us. We think we might be in love with your call. We made your call a mix tape.