Children receive an average of $3.70 for each tooth from the Tooth Fairy.
I suppose that’s because the resale market is so limited.
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I’m just a mom on winter break, standing in front of my kids’ school asking, “HOW BIG OF A CHECK DO I NEED TO WRITE FOR YOU TO RE-OPEN?”
my favorite part of watching any sport is when the announcer tells us that in order for the team to win they have to score more points than the other team, & when they fall short & lose the game i like to shake my head & say to myself, “should’ve listened to the announcer.”
Make porridge seem more glamorous by describing it as “Oat Cuisine”.
Every craft store needs an aisle labeled So Your Child Has a School Project Due Tomorrow.
Positive I heard an audible gasp from my car as I drove past the wine store
5: let’s play the quiet game.
Me: Okay
5: ready..? Start.
Me:
5:
Me:
5: whoever talks first is the loser.
Remember four years ago when we were all ‘nature is healing’ and then my grandma got mugged by a swan.
[wakes up screaming]
HER: you’re safe now, what was the dream?
ME: I was on a diet
[hotel]
wife: I’m gonna go change. Find us a movie, ok? *winks*
me: Ok!
*wife comes out in lingerie*
wife: What’d you pick?
me: Space Jam
One time I spent Christmas with an exes family and they asked if I’d ever seen A Charlie Brown Christmas, and I said “no, I’m allergic to peanuts” and nobody got the joke and her mom spent all week avoiding putting nuts in stuff and we broke up like 3 weeks later. Carry on.
ant-man: im here to stop u
bad guy: [pulls out a can of Raid©]
ant-man: motherf
Me: oh the usual- just shedding some skin cells and still fascinated with champagne bubbles and tree bark.
Friend: why can’t you ever just say “fine thanks”?
My can opener broke so now it’s a can’t opener.
In a crowded elevator, tell all the tall people they have to get in the back because you’re going to take a group photo.
Amazing how each of the kids in Willy Wonka was written to represent a different deadly sin: pride, gluttony, sloth, chewing gum until you become a blueberry, greed, etc.
ME ONLINE: all people deserve the same rights & quality of life
ME IN TRAFFIC: I HOPE EVERYONE IN THIS MINIVAN GETS EATEN BY RABID BADGERS
[on phone with son] remember grimace probably weighs over 400lbs
[son at mcdonalds waiting for his interview] they probably won’t ask that
Me: if I had to review it, the beginning was boring, none of it was believable. I didn’t care about the main characters but we got cake so one star
Bride: did you at least enjoy being maid of honor
screw it let’s just name every sports team after colored socks
“How did your grammar competition go?”
I losed
[edison inventing lightbulb]
[match appears over his head]
I have an idea
“You will feel a little pressure but no pain…”
~Doctors or dentists about to hurt you bad
Judge: I find you guilty of all charges
Neutron: This is some bullshit
When I used to drink, by this time on a weekend y’all would’ve already seen me mostly naked. Y’all should be especially thankful for my sobriety.
This new diet is awesome: I can eat all the donuts I want and die happy.
About to prop up a cardboard box with a stick on a string and put a hoodie under it.
Due to a shortage of coloured paper, I am having to dismantle all my origami animals. I’ll let you know how it all unfolds.
“Please don’t do this.” – my voice mail greeting
I’ll take the seat next to the guy who swallowed the wifi.
Yelling at your kid when they’re your height just hits different.