It’s normal for married couples to fight. The trick is for you and your spouse to find a couple you can easily beat up.
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I’ve never got out of a straight jacket but I did once get out of my sleeping bag whilst drunk and I’ve got to assume it’s roughly the same skill set
Ancestors survived five mass extinctions on earth for me to be killed by a house cat I was trying to put a christmas sweater on.
I’m giving up for Lent.
4-year-old: The baby woke up all on her own.
Me: You didn’t wake her up by being loud?
4: No, I was very quiet while I tickled her.
trump is putting everyone who works at goldman sachs in the government so that there’s no one left to run GS and they go out of business
*Door creaks open*
*Faces lean in*Wife: They need more lunch money.
9: And money for the book fair.
17: And gas money.
13: And can you sign this permission slip?Me, from the commode: Guys… can any of this wait ten minutes?
If Christian Bale has never cancelled a date and said “sorry to Bale on you” then I don’t think he is living life to the fullest.
“The last thing I want to do is hurt you. First I want to date you & get to know you.”
Me: the most important thing when wearing a mask is that it covers your mouth and nostrils
Batman: oh no
Worlds greatest photobomb
You wouldn’t believe the number of times I’ve narrowly escaped death as an agent of a covert, black ops squadron. But my nephews would, and that’s why I’m looking forward to Thanksgiving.
That little rat from Ratatouille is under Pharrell’s hat pulling his hair to make him dance.
“Mom guess what I’m getting married!!!”
Is he rich?
“I think so. His name is Charles Mansion”
How do animals in children’s books always have nicer houses than mine when they don’t have jobs & all they do all day is learn life lessons?
If I’m ever on life support, unplug me, let me sit for 15-30 secs, plug me back in and see if that works.
[runs to the door to greet wife]
I’m afraid there’s been a terrible accident involving all the things you asked me to do today.
*Showing Pet Sematary to 6yo daughter
“Anyway, this is what happens to kids who don’t learn how to spell.”
I press my own doorbell to escape long-winded phone calls.
Good morning to everyone except the people who prefer the taste of margarine over butter.
A variation! I dont like you people who can fall asleep at the drop of a hat. Its not normal!
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
😏😏😏😏😏
🤦♂️🤦♂️🤦♂️🤦♂️🤦♂️
Flight attendant: Is anyone on board a doctor?
Me: No, I’m on board a plane haha
Man having a heart attack: ok I’m ready to die now
My grocery store keeps rearranging the produce section. If I need to work this hard to find bananas, there better be a damn tropical breeze!
First date idea: you rescue me out of the tree I got stuck in while looking through your windows.
The bills are washed, the dishes are paid, the laundry’s in the oven. I’m going to bed.
Hi I’m an evil ghost with the ability to defy time & space, but I think the best example of my powers will be to slightly close this door.
It’s 2021. Why is this still a thing.
This woman on TikTok asked what centaurs do with their arms when they are galloping, and I can’t stop thinking about it.
It’s like ten thousand followers when all you need is an emergency contact.
Imagine Dragons.
No. Dragoner.
Cheap 1st Date Ideas: Get some matching Red Polo shirts & hang out in a Target. Give terrible info to inquisitive costumers.