Tinder is also down!!!! I have gotten zero matches for the past three years!!! Hope the outage ends soon!!!
You Might Also Like
YOU: Your guess is as good as mine
ME: Is it a dolphin wearing a banana hammock?
YOU: Ok maybe your guess isn’t as good as mine
“No way!” said the hitchhiker as both he & the driver held up an ax. “I was gonna kill you!” “No I was gonna kill YOU!” eruption of laughter
Me: Thanks
Cashier: No, thank YOU
Me: …if this is a thank you-off, you better buckle the hell up
I was always taught that every girl’s dream was to marry a Prince but according to my girlfriend it’s actually owning a 1600 watt ionic diffusion Dyson hairdryer.
This is enough internet for the day.
Trees meet other trees for sex through Timber.
In case anyone needs to feel better about their parenting, my 9yo saw someone inside Build-a-Bear wearing a reindeer costume and said, “Look Mom, it’s a furry.”
Everyone on Instagram has pics of them at places all over the world & I’m like here’s another shot of me from a different angle on my sofa
Did someone text back with just “K”? You know what you should do? Stop texting them dumb shit.
Please don’t take illegal substances.
Or at least, don’t take MY illegal substances.
What’s upsetting about hearing my neighbor have sex is realizing she can hear me ask my dog if we’re best friends multiple times a day
My cover letter is just a picture of me in a sleeveless turtleneck karate chopping the word ‘unemployment’.
When I was 5 my life ambition was to ride on a parade float. That happened when I was 6.
I didn’t really plan past that, and still haven’t.
{yard full of boys}
*pointing at milkshakeExterminator: there’s your problem
Sure Xfinity internet service is overpriced and spotty but you can’t put a price on unintentionally being dropped from every Zoom meeting.
“I want that fable on my desk, AESOP!”
manipulative people really be like oh so now i’m the bad guy for being the bad guy
me: in or out
dog: yep
me: which one
dog: you bet
Me: The new guy’s a lumberjack?
Boss: Yep
Me: He seems nice…
Boss: STOP
Me: I’ll bet he’s good at…
Boss: DONT
Me: random axe of kindness
I don’t care if they repeal student loan forgiveness. I’ve forgiven myself. I’m not paying them
*accidentally watches MTV awards
“Who?”
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!-Librarians arguing
When somebody asks for directions I just say “follow your heart” and drive away.
Thanks for the awesome options, autocorrect
The indescribable pain of having a client read off the options they see under “Settings.”
Many English names are derived from occupations, like Fletcher (arrow maker), Cooper (barrel maker), or Cunningham (tricky pig).
Me: Finally, time to sleep!
Brain: ahem
Me: oh God please no
Brain: I was thinking we could sing that catchy commercial jingle. 87 times.
“Ok, identify the noun in this sentence. Timmy is stupid.”
Timmy: stupid?
“Exactly”
[Tinder guy takes off his glasses for the date]
Lois Lane: wtf you look nothing like your profile pic