I do 8 sit-ups every mornin’. Might not sound like much, but there’s only so many times you can hit the snooze button. Merica.
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nothing makes me want to hold onto the stuff I no longer use more than when my wife tells me she’s putting it in the garage sale
me: how do i get a girl to like me
dad: treat her like she’s the only one in the room
{ later at party }
man: does anyone know cpr?! this woman is DYING
me: [steps over them] hello, beautiful
I accidentally put on my dad’s deodorant this morning and now I’m walking around offering people hard candy and asking “Working hard or hardly working?”
Never tell someone that it would work out if “only they lived closer”. Crazy can change zip codes faster than you can change your identity.
Playing catch with my 8yo, I missed a high throw and said “could’ve got that in my 30s.” He replied “oh yea when you get old you get shorter.”
Oh you love your mom’s cooking? Name 4 of her dishes.
Cinco De Mayo
Cinco De Ketchup
Cinco De Mustard
Cinco De Siracha
Cinco De Ranch Dressing
Why are normal house sounds suddenly menacing when I’m alone?
Not alone: Hears creaking. It’s the wind.
Alone: Hears creaking. Yup, that’s an ax murderer.
Sorry I’m late, there was traffic and I lied about when I left.
“If you started at 16 and work until you’re 23.
That would give you 10 years of experience.”
Back to school for you My friend!
I like my jims slim and my chances fat
a thought I have quite often is that there are almost about 50 million kangaroos in Australia and 5 million New Zealand citizens. If the kangaroos were to invade New Zealand each Kiwi would need to fight at least 10 kangaroos.
“Update your Adobe or you’ll be sleeping with the fishes”
– Flash mob
Daycare sent me a pic of my 4yr old daughter holding hands with a boy..
with interlocked fingers..INTERLOCKED FINGERS?
send bail money!
Spells out “Can you clean the toilet” in candy hearts on the bed.
“That wasn’t chicken in the Chow Mein”
I’d make a great Fortune Cookie writer.
I’m married, but not “pass up the opportunity to sleep with Thor” married. Or Wolverine. Or Captain America. Or Jennifer Aniston…
Wife and I saw a woman smiling on the street, carrying a baby while helping her younger child ride a tricycle, and the first thing we both said was, “Why the hell is she smiling?”
In college I had 3 girlfriends at the same time. 10 years and a wife later, I have 0 girlfriends. Stay in school kids.
20 years ago I dreamed of traveling the world.
Now I dream of my kids actually getting dressed when they go upstairs to get dressed.
I planted grizzly DNA under my fingernails so when I choke on doritos the medical examiners assume I was strangled by a bear but fought back
“Relax,” Arthur thought to himself, “you’re just being paranoid.”
Him: you watch too much Food Network
Me: just enjoy your artisanal bread covered in a delectable berry compote
Him: its toast and jelly
I call this next one…
That’s Not How Mom Makes It
The prophecy is fulfilled
Hey dude, can i borrow your laptop? I want to shop for a new computer but it feels cruel to do that on the one I’m replacing.
So, if I take out a reverse mortgage on my house does that mean I’ll own a bank after 30 years?
difference between a pillow fort & a high death jump into the coffee table is a parent who isn’t looking
When you’re around too many morning people it’s like being in perkytory
I am on a diet. This is just my cheat decade